Sunday, December 20, 2009

{a good cry}

it's 2:06am, I need to wash my face clean since I have a terrible case of raccoon eyes. You see, I read this story about a little girl who would have been 6 in August... and how her Mommy and Daddy "lost"her. That's what they say, they "lost" her because "she died" is un-processable. And while my instinct was to stop reading and to block out the sadness I was feeling, I read it all and cried. I think I was crying Half for their family, and in part for my own losses and for not being more thankful everyday.

I feel like I need to just breath.

Let go.


I just don't want to regret. I don't want to look back and wish I hadn't wasted all my time. Lydia goes to Kindy next Fall and it's breaking my heart. When did my baby get so big, when did I become a Mommy, when did I grow up and become a woman, when did I start high school, when did I start Kindy and where has time gone...

I'd like to have more time, but since I can't have that, I have to cherish every moment. I have to stop yelling and starting whispering. I have to close my eyes and say I love you... MORE than I say it now. I have to act goofy and sing more songs. I have to laugh louder and stay up later... I have to live so that when my time is up, as sad as I will be I can rest knowing I cherished it all.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Hello Christmas Time!

First... Thanksgiving, How was yours? Mine was delightful. Things went good with my not-so-kid-friendly grandparents, surprisingly... and we managed to have a nice, easy going time at their house, then we went to Mom and Dad R's for some more food and family. Of course, they are always kid-friendly. Sheila had made mountains of food, so much so that I am sitting here having turkey, green beans and deviled eggs for breakfast ;) I don't mind though, I look forward to left overs after Thanksgiving. I bought new tupperware specifically for the occassion. :) At any rate I was surrounded by love and the only thing that would have made it better was seeing my Nana and my Mom and Dad and Sister (Jake went to Granny's with us). I just love my family so much! And I enjoy holidays with them.

Now, to gloat a little, I made the Front Page of Explore (on flickr) which is pretty much the biggest honor I can think of right now for my photos. So yay, needless to say my head is pretty swollen right now ;)
O thank you thank you thank you!!!
Also... Rooster's Mohawk is back... and he is looking tough ;)

Okay, Christmas Time, that's what this blog is about... I am so excited to get the tree up, I assume we'll do it the first week of December since we are going to be busy plus I need to get a spot picked out for it. We have plans to make ornaments and get oh so crafty for christmas this year, and I still need to do ALL my shopping. I'm just glad John got a job so that I can go shopping, no matter where it is. Hopefully next check I can start to buy... so, till Friday I am stuck... maybe I will pick up a handful of stocking stuffer type gifts at the Dollar Tree this week. How does time got gone like this.

Anyway, I'm going to be pretty absent from Myspace in the coming weeks but I'll pop in a little... so be safe and have a merry and bright Christmas Season!


Monday, November 23, 2009

{Thank You Edie Buddy}

"Thank You Edie Buddy!"

Rooster had a GREAT Birthday weekend, and he just keeps saying "Thank You Everybody!"

I want to thank everyone too, for the kindness and well wishes and present you sent. It made his day so special.

He's been playing non stop with his new toys and wearing a new outfit everyday. He feels pretty "Sexy" he says ;).

And a big thank you to Jess, for the adorable cake, Rooster knew right away that you made it and he totally loved it. He couldn't keep himself from eating the toes of that adorable pawprint before he blew out his candles.
You know I love your cakes and everyone enjoys seeing what you'll surprise us with next :) So YAY for you!

I hope you all had a great weekend too.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I am so thankful...

I am so thankful...
Last Days of Autumn :: Grass is still Green
The time of year has come around again, to join together as family and friends, to set aside our worries and struggles and embrace all that we have in life, and tell everyone around us that we know how lucky we really are and we know how many blessings we have.
I've always thought it was both beautiful to bring all of our thankfulness to one day and celebrate it, and also sad that we can't be more aware every day.
But in the spirit of the Holiday... here is my list.

I am thankful for...
-nature. I am no hippie or tree hugger but I love to be outside with my kids. I love collecting leaves and rocks and sticks, watching the clouds, playing in creeks and ponds. All of it.
-memories. of childhood, of highschool, or friends and family. All my memories, bittersweet, sad or beautiful. I'm just thankful that I have them, that I can remember.
-creme horns. my guilty pleasure, they are so bad for my waistline, but kind of good for the soul ;) a nice pick me up.
-myspace and facebook. why, internet connections make keeping in touch with friends and family so easy. I love hearing that Amber is on her last day of clinical, Christians baby is sleeping in the car seat, Krista is planning a trip to vegas and Mandy is okay even though she got in a wreck that totalled her new car ... I like knowing that everyone is okay.
-photography. my grown up and personal indulgence, that is safe and family friendly... it replaced angsty poetry and hours of reading. It works for my life and feels good.
-my right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. for all it's faults this country was founded on beautiful concepts and inspiring ideals... and as long as I still believe in it, it still is.
-getting older. for 2 reasons, 1) because I am still alive and 2) I am starting to care less about acceptance and more about self awareness
-my family. I have the best one in the whole world. that's a fact. And the only one that suits me. I have 3 awesome kids, a hard working husband, A Mommy and Daddy that love and support me and a Mom and Dad in Law that love and support me as well. I am not a child of divorce and my kids won't be either. There is safety in our little huddle and I love that.
-my friends. That means you Jess. If ever there was a perfect friend, it's you. How long have we known eachother, and how well... and even though we have seperate lives I can count on you. I love you. Plus, you make awesome cakes ;)
-dr. alonso. she was right there saving Layla when we needed her most.
-cheap energy drinks. They have gotten me through weeks with little to no sleep.
-clean drinking water. not everyone has it, it's a luxury and something I think of daily.
-sweat pants. my house-wear of choice, nothing as comfy and soft as an old holey pair of sweatpants.
-diet dr pepper, it tastes just like the real thing! genius!
-and most of all God... I know there are people on my friends list who if they read this blog, get to here and say "uugg" but, whatever, it's my list. He doesn't have to be on your list, but he's on mine and I owe him thanks for everything... I feel lucky to have Him on my side... and safer knowing He's there. Life isn't easy but He keeps me posotive and pushing forward... and without God, I'd have nothing on my list.

Happy Thanksgiving... and I love you all. xox

Monday, November 16, 2009

put a smile on your face (make the world a better place)

...corny song, great message...

today is one of those days were despite all the things outside my control and all the things I have to worry about, I'm just like "Whatever" and I am so happy to be alive with these 3 great kids and wonderful man by my side.

Geeze, I have a ton of housework to get done, I need to put some clothes on Rooster, since he literally just ran by me, naked as a jay-bird.

I'll probably be missing from Myspace for a while, between cleaning, the party and John starting 3rd shif next week. I'd like to get together with Jake and Rianna next week too, photos and Hopefully I'll be painting mass amounts of wooden, flat circles for our family-wide ornament project ;)

Hope you all have a SUPER week, and try to keep smiling

Thursday, November 12, 2009

:: the way i am ::

:: Heaven help me for the way I am. Save me from these evil deeds, Before I get them done ::

so they aren't my words, they are from a song I used to love and know by heart... fiona apple is a superb songwriter,


The thing is today I have been taking a look at myself, I think so many mean thoughts. I have these visions of punching people in the face and sometimes, yes, those visions even make me giggle. How horrible. I know I shouldn't be this way, I have always known better. Yet here I am, 25 and still so ugly in my thoughts.
It's just that some people are so stupid and iggnorant to the way life really is, and what really matters. They're inconsiderate to others and feel persecuted when they aren't handed the world... and then flattered everytime they enter a room. Some people are either too dumb to realize that words can hurt or they like to hurt people. Either way, it's like. C'mon... open your eyes.
I don't even know what I am getting at...

It's just that my Lydia really loves people, she loves everyone and when they are mean or rude she says "That's Okay, I still love them... I don't have to play with them but they are still good". It's true, it's so wise. It's the kind of mindset we should all have. to say "Hey, you're a jerk but I love you... and I am glad you're in my life" And I know I should be running around with visions of hugs in my head, not pounding someone's face in.

Everyone is someones son or daughter, everyone is loved deeply by someone, and no one is adored by everyone. That should be enough. So... the next time I think a mean thought about someone, I am going to replace it with Lydia's Words. Even if it's hard.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

do this to remember

how often do I think of the people I've lost... daily, and then some. How my life would have been fuller if they were still here, but how under the circumstances I know it is better.

Time has a way of helping you remember. I still cry and still get caught up when certain things happen, but I find myself remembering more as the years go by... not forgetting. I like that. I like that I can hold on to those things and look on them fondly.

October is sad... sad for me anyway. It marks the time when I lost my Papal J. and when I lost my dear friend Steven. It marks changes in my life and in my growth. It marks change in general and all the things I have lost. When you look at your life as what you've missed out on by not having someone there... it's easy to get depressed. I guess you have to just know that life goes on and the best way to honor someones memory is to LIVE, to make memories and tell stories, to be the best legacy you can for your children and grandchildren so that when it is your time to go, they will know that the best thing they can to is to LIVE. I was blessed with so much goodness, and so many good friends... I should rejoice that I had them for a little while and miss them sweetly, and mourn them in silent moments alone.

I sincerely struggle with days like today, when the loss seems heavier than usual. When everything is taken to a single day, this day... the day when I lost my Papal, Mom lost her Daddy and Nana lost her husband. When we all held our breath and said goodbye. I hate this. I hate that it hurts so bad and that I can't keep anyone else from hurting either. I can't make sense of my grief -- it's emotion not logic and it's heartbreaking. On one hand, Papal was suffering with every part of his being... and now, he is at peace and safe and I'll see him again someday and on the other, knowing all that doesn't make it hurt any less.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Hedge Apple Season is Back!

Hedge Apple Season is Back!

If you know me, you know I adore hedge apples... the smell, the shape, the texture... and this time of year you can find them all over ohio.

Yesterday at Heuston Woods, I told the kids we were hunting for hedge apples and especially Lydia, got VERY into it. So much so, we'd be driving a long and she'd yell HEDGE! and I would stop the car, run out and grab it, and we would continue on. Luckily the park was very empty... but we hit the mother-load at the quarry picnic area, Lydia wanted to take them all... but I convinced her one busshel basket was enough.

The whole car smelled like Granny Smith apples... this is what Fall is supposed to smell like.

Anyway, for those of you that don't know, Hedge apples take about forever to rot, and really kind of just get hard as longas they aren't cut up or smashed. They smell nice and ward off wood spiders from your home (which is why my Nana J used to keep them in closets... and my Granny K kepts them in various spots as well). They look a little like brains and are bright green... You CANNOT eat them... CANNOT... but they make nice fall decorations.

Anyway, Mom in Law informed me that they are loaded so I am looking to fill one more bushell basket ;)

Sunday, October 25, 2009

2 blogs in one day is some day...

Well... this may seem like no biggie to you, but I got a group photo of the kids today that I really love. It shows them off, just as they really are and makes me smile. I think I'm going to print it and hang it actually. I took it on our perfect walk today...

Yeah, go ahead and be jealous that these gorgeous little angles are all mine ;)
And here is our collage we made today too. Both of these files were too large to upload, so rather than resize I thought I would jsut blog them ;)

It's Times like these...

Berries in the Sun {dedicated to Shana Rae whose photos and colors always inspire me to think outside the box}
In this life there are days when you say "WHATEVER, today is my day to make glorious memories and no one can take it from me..." you grab hold of all the power you really do posses, you laugh, you cry and you just breath. You take charge of your mood and embrace everything good you have... I should do it everyday... but I DID do it today.
It was like the day wouldn't let me ignore it or something. I went outside to take out the trash in a coat, large scarf, socks (which let me tell you never happens) and 2 shirts... imagine my surprise when 73 degree temperatures and a jolly beaming sun great me at the door. Needless to say I stripped out of my layers, ran the trash out and grabbed the kids and said "Let's get outta here".
We went for a walk, got some candy at the laundrymat... looked at the leaves, shared a rootbeer, talked and laughed. What an awesome day! I needed it.
I hope everyone else's day was full of perfection like mine ;)

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

a life to sing about

In the Pink {a life update post} by you.

(I took this photo at the end of spring I think... I can't even remember... but in light of the 70 degree weather that I didn't get to be outside in, I edited it today and posted)
Well, I have been nothing if not missing from my beloved flickr, and not just flickr, but from the company of my camera as well as facebook and Myspace. Life has gotten in the way of me taking any real photos, posting any real blogs or managing any silly apps. I guess that's both good and bad since, truth be told, our little family has been on a wild ride of change lately.

About 2 weeks ago John chopped his finger to the bone with a hatchet while attempting to make some halloween decorations out of old horse farming equipment and the hospital closest to us just basically didn't treat him so we dressed it and a week later while working on his 1991 Ford POS Ranger he caught the cut and mangled it in the gears or a part or something. What a mess... we took him to a different hospital where they stitched it and told us he needed surgery. Well, today he had that surgery. We were in the hospital from 9:15 till about 2:30 I think, then the idiots at Walmart Pharmacy wrote our prescription wrong and we didn't end up settled in our own house till nearly 6PM. On the upside our unemployment check came in and I had a nice all-day visit with my Mom-in-law. She was great company, and I am glad she was around to help me pass the time. I feel like John is pretty lucky to have us awesome ladies in his life ;).

Another good thing, that deserves being testified to is that John GOT A JOB!! He starts Friday. It's been a long year, the unemployment was rough on us and caused a lot of finacial hardship. We lost so much, and could've lost it all in such a short time but God provided us with the relief we needed! And I will say that John being unemployed opened a world of blessings for our family as well, He got SOBER which was HUGE. It was no small fight he faced, but with God's help he was delivered. Also... It gave us all time to really get to know eachother, and do things like going to the beach several times this summer, teaching Rooster to not be afraid of the water, bug hunt, shop together, help eachother, just get closer. It's been a wonderful gift.

Hopefully things are about to get even better for us and a schedule can be formed, if only loosely. It's nice, the thought of carving out a date night that we can actually afford, and having money for Christmas just in time. I look forward to making time to actually take the kids to some locations I scouted out before Fall is over and getting some photos. I want to visit my Mom more often and get Rooster Potty Trained once and for all... and get our house clean and organized.
Wish us Luck and Keep us in your prayer... you will all be in mine.

Monday, October 12, 2009

milestone edit

This photo has put to work 2 of my newest attempts.
1} I asked in a thread in Helping Hands Group if I could somehow save certain steps for PP in PSE 7 so that I could use it on a set of photos and keep the tones looking the same without all the cut and paste of the way I was doing it. They were very helpful, especially ad-wig, who took the time to explain it to me... visit his glorious photostream here :: I got some great help and created a vintage linen "action" that I could layer over a photo and then erase away just the linen texture. I know it isn't perfect but I am SUPER excited... and i like these tones so I think it will come in handy.
2}I finally found the lined texture I have been hoping for :: , everytime I sit down to do a search on flickr I end up finding none of what I want or getting sidetracked by photos using the textures I am searching for, it's a vicious cycle, but last night I found the texture and I was very eager to use it.
O, the little things, right.
Anyway... I took this photo this spring, but never did edit it, so, I'm pretty happy with this, and it is a milestone edit for me.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009


I haven't been on here much lately... the weather is far too nice and the laundry is stacked much too high for that ;)

But, I wanted to drop in and blog a little about the seasons and the plans for next month.

First, we totally got janked out of getting that replacement screen for the TV on Ebay, I swear... I was going to get a trip to see a light house out of the deal, but whatever...
Second, Lydia had a mini-birthday at Great Nana J's. More like cake and a present, but it was good to see Nana. You could tell she really hated to have missed Lydia's for-real party and that she enjoyed making her a chocolate on chocolate cake... with ice cream on the side. Nana is so full of love!
Then, today I did so much laundry I started to discover forgotten treasures in the rubbish "stored" below the clothes... like witch tights (New In Plastic) and John's Fireman Badge that we thought was lost forever... and a number of odds and ends... I'm trying to get all our extra blankets washed before the camping trip, which leads me to the next item up for blogging...
This Weekend we are going to Hueston Woods to Camp Out. It's fall festival weekend! Games, Pumpkins, Costumes, Trick or Treat!! So Fun!!! I'm going to try to wrangle up some cider and candy apples for the occasion! ;) At least the cider should be easy enough.
Then... ... ... well, wish John luck he finally has some job prospects and we are really praying that they work out... you pray too.

Anyway, Fall is off to a Stellar Start and I can't wait to see what it brings!!

Have a great one Yourselves!

Friday, September 4, 2009

O how my mind wanders

O How my mind...
w a n d er s

especially this time of year and this time of day. I get restless and itchy to do something. To put on my sweater and gather the kids for a walk or trip to the park. Only a handful of Summer Days left and an unsure date with Fall.
Outside our pumpkins are growing, we have about 5 now... maybe 6 and I have visions of us carving some in the next month... maybe not one of our own, but a pumpkin none-the-less. Everyone's asleep now, except me, and I am playing with photos, writing this blog and wishing it was cooler out.

I'm sort of this weird combo. 30% free spirit 30% control freak 30% artistic soul and 10% bitter... awful isn't it. But one thing is for sure - to deny it doesn't make it untrue... it just makes it a denial. Anyway, I think we are all just combination of good and bad things, aren't we.

I could seriously go for some apple cider... hot that is.

I don't even know why I'm writing this blog, except that it calms me down and helps me to put things in perspective.
I guess I just miss the days of picking up and leaving, coming home when you want and spending all your time playing... like it was when I was little... or last Fall when my kids were littler. Time just feels fleeting, and I want to enjoy it. i have visions of tea parties and leaf collecting, pumpkin patching and wagon rides. I hope at least some of them come true.

well... till then, good luck, and sweet dreams.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

another month for rushing

So, we've spent the better part of this year rushing around and trying to get to a place where we can breath... and 9 months in all I can say is that breathing is something that rarely happens - in that sense - since life is meant to be lived and life with 3 kids is meant to be experienced.
A year ago, celebrating my birthday with family and friends I never dreamed that I would have the year I've had. Let's see... we celebrated Lydia's Birthday with a princess party, then we camped out in what john said would be an "ample" tent at Hueston Woods for Halloween (this was a jr. pup tent and John, Layla and myself crammed in it with the outline of our bodies completely visible as they were pressed to the edges. OUCH. Then, Rooster's Birthday with Mary at the Lodge and Thanksgiving with family. Christmas came, a Dollar Store Christmas, but one brimming with gifts and the kids seem to love it better than any Christmas before. The end of January brought Layla's sickness and February brought her miraculous cure. March the end of John's job at Wyoming steel and the beginning of a financial spiral. Layla turned 1 and John got SOBER! Somewhere in the midst of all this I took Jessica on as my first portfolio building "client" and made my first dollar in photography (which I still need to frame). John turned 29 and the cable and phone got shut off... the kids discovered the "Jesus Channels" and began singing "Jesus Loves Me" night and day. Our DVD player broke and we got a sweet one on sale! YAY! John did some under the table work for Dave Brewer and the kids got to set in a real 1918 ford ;) and ride a vintage "whirly-bird"... we went to the beach over and over and Rooster not only conquered his fear of deep water but tackled it head on with that great belly laugh he has. Layla thinks she can jump ;). Lydia nearly started kindergarten -- stupid Preble Shawnee -- but ended up staying with us one more year and started working in her "ready for kindergarten" workbook! I got in a fight with Doc Tomson and vowed to never return to his office... and I won't be. And now... well... who knows what the next year will bring.

Thank You all for making this past year such a blessing and here's to another year of miracles!


Saturday, August 29, 2009

blew a bday shoot...

What a day...

This gorgeous baby girl turns one and her daddy and mommy through her this lavish bday party and ask me to take photos of it and what do I do, I blow it. I feel like such an idiot.

Is every shot bad... no... I like some, like this one, and the 2 others in my album so far, but... I was not prepared for the conditions both weather wise and people wise... or time wise for that matter. I think it was too soon for me to shoot an event, especially with no more equipment than a camera. I needed reflectors and some kind of a zoom lens... not to make excuses, I know a more expreienced photog could have turned out some awesome shots with just a camera but I am feeling quite defeated. I have a ton of editing to do and at the end of all that I hope to have 50-75 decent images on a disk and a 20page photobook completed.

Wish me Luck.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

A Simple Prayer

I weak and confused,
all my "hope supply" used
I am scared and unsure
And my future a blur
I've asked and I've tried
To patiently wait to the side
But I need your help now
As these patience run out
To look up and feel grace
And know answers are coming, someday.

It is in the depths of fear and insecurity that we are free
free to except and embrace that we are incapable...
that we are nothing without grace
that our timing is never the right timing
that we will be saved.

I know right now is a rough time for everyone... money is tight everywhere, futures are very uncertain and everything seems to be more than any of us can bare... but the truth is, look beside you and that person, standing there, the one that feels everything you feel... and to the otherside, the ones counting on you, they are all that matters, and that you have them means you are already blessed, and nothing can ever take that security away.

Good Luck and God Bless

Monday, August 24, 2009

not what we eat...

||It's not what we eat but what we digest that makes us strong; not what we gain but what we save that makes us rich; not what we read but what we remember that makes us learned; and not what we profess but what we practice that gives us integrity.||

Awesome isn't it.