Thursday, October 29, 2009

do this to remember

how often do I think of the people I've lost... daily, and then some. How my life would have been fuller if they were still here, but how under the circumstances I know it is better.

Time has a way of helping you remember. I still cry and still get caught up when certain things happen, but I find myself remembering more as the years go by... not forgetting. I like that. I like that I can hold on to those things and look on them fondly.

October is sad... sad for me anyway. It marks the time when I lost my Papal J. and when I lost my dear friend Steven. It marks changes in my life and in my growth. It marks change in general and all the things I have lost. When you look at your life as what you've missed out on by not having someone there... it's easy to get depressed. I guess you have to just know that life goes on and the best way to honor someones memory is to LIVE, to make memories and tell stories, to be the best legacy you can for your children and grandchildren so that when it is your time to go, they will know that the best thing they can to is to LIVE. I was blessed with so much goodness, and so many good friends... I should rejoice that I had them for a little while and miss them sweetly, and mourn them in silent moments alone.

I sincerely struggle with days like today, when the loss seems heavier than usual. When everything is taken to a single day, this day... the day when I lost my Papal, Mom lost her Daddy and Nana lost her husband. When we all held our breath and said goodbye. I hate this. I hate that it hurts so bad and that I can't keep anyone else from hurting either. I can't make sense of my grief -- it's emotion not logic and it's heartbreaking. On one hand, Papal was suffering with every part of his being... and now, he is at peace and safe and I'll see him again someday and on the other, knowing all that doesn't make it hurt any less.


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