Saturday, January 16, 2010

On the Global Scale, I'm not even on the list... but here in Camden...


All right, today was a bummer.

I know, I know. In the global scheme of bad days, I'm not on the list, I'm not even near the list... not on the backup list ... I'm a blessed person, and I know that. I have the best 3 kids a momma could hope for, they're healthy... I'm healthy, we have running water and clothes, we have food to eat and a car to drive. I have family that loves me, and I'm only about 10 minutes away from any of them :) Life is good, people would kill for my life... but in the moment, on the "Camden Ohio" scale, I'm having a bad day.

It's not that I broke down and sobbed, or that everyone was mean to me... that the kids wouldn't listen and I have no money. We never have any money ;) and I don't generally sob, but it was the kind of day where all that stuff you have been dealing with, hits you. All the things that have been said to you, true or untrue, all the things that broke you down... for some reason you can't shake them. It's that kind of day when you just hurt. You think, "what if i really am that girl. what if i am totally unlikeable, annoying and stupid" I feel 15 again, and unsure... insecure... scared. I feel on the brink of crying. I feel like a little girl inside a body and life that are so much bigger than me, or my abilities. I feel like a massive failure. I feel like I need some help.

Most of the day went like this. i couldn't shake it. and then, cleaning up the living room I heard, on tv, that thing i NEEDED to here... the help i had needed all day ::

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

There ya go...

pick yourself up... dust yourself off... it really is all right.

IT KEEPS NO RECORD OF WRONGS
IT ALWAYS HOPES, ALWAYS PERSEVERES

my problem with the day wasn't what had been said or done to me... it was, that I hadn't let go... that i hadn't persevered and kept hope... I was holding onto things done to me that I couldn't do anything about. i was letting hurt ruin my day... love is patient, love is kind...

I smiled. tomorrow will be better.

5 comments:

Beth Simmons on January 16, 2010 at 8:06 PM said...

Johnna, I sure hope I meet you some day in real life. You are such a blessing to me. I'm sorry you had a bad day. I really am. But we know it's bound to happen every now and then. Sometimes it seems often. But you found the answer that is so hard to do. Keep no record of wrongs. So hard to do. Until I think about how I don't want God to keep a long record of my wrongs:) Thanks for writing this and helping me out too! You are in my prayers!

cj on January 17, 2010 at 8:38 AM said...

Johnna--I think we were separated at birth. Your about me column on the right here and now this blog post. I know we just met on Flickr, but I keep a personal blog that deals with all this stuff too. You can visit me if you'd like. :)

Cindy Knull
http://www.cindyknull.com

I'll sign in here with my personal blog link. :)

Maegan Beishline on January 17, 2010 at 5:00 PM said...

I know exactly the type of day you were having! I've had a few of those this week. I nearly cried reading that verse...so true! I need to frame that and have it somewhere that I can read in moments like that. Thanks for sharing, Johnna! xo

Johnna Riddell on January 17, 2010 at 7:58 PM said...

I cannot even begin to tell you what your wonderful words mean to me... thank you.

JohnandSheila on January 17, 2010 at 8:05 PM said...

YOU are none of those things the devil was trying to lie to you about. You are all the things in that verse that helped you...as much as anyone else I know! I Love you!

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