the unavoidable... the heaviness... the moment when i break
I would love to be some kind of amazing. The person who never has these days. But today... is the unavoidable day. The day when it's heavier than my shoulders can carry, a bigger burden then my heart can take... and although my faith and spirit do not waiver, my body does.
To say the least. To remain strong and confident. To stay the course and fight for what is important to you. We go into battle, we're strong, rested, motivated... and as we trudge along we become beaten, bruised, and can find ourselves lost and alone amidst the chaos.
Of course I know I am not alone. I have God... I have my family. But, at times, it's hard to see them through the distractions. Sometimes, it's too hard see anything but the pain. It's not just a struggle with sadness, it's a struggle with fear. The fear of the unknown... the fear of the known. The fear that you will not win this battle and that you will loose everything trying to grasp the unattainable.
I go on, cleaning, talking, playing, moving... getting from morning to nightfall... and while outside I seem poised and focused on my duties I am breaking inside. Silently screaming... silently calling out for help.
And all that answers back... is the deafening silence of having to wait. All things in their own time... all things will come to pass.
The journey is the most important thing... it's where you learn...
I catch a glimpse or 2 of myself throughout the day... "pull yourself together"... "where is the strength you had yesterday"... "stop it, can't you see there is no reason to be scared... no reason to be sad"
But I just can't, or maybe I am too tired to try. At any rate, I didn't pull myself back to the plateau all day.
But sometimes, I think, it takes a down day... a day to break... to release all the pent up emotion... to be able to regain the strength and the will power for the remainder of our journey.
Maybe these unavoidable days are the "reboot" our bodies and emotions need...
Maybe I shouldn't feel so guilty, maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself.
...especially since I know
tomorrow will be better,
I will stand and regain my footing.
I will smile and know that I
am almost there.