Sunday, May 23, 2010

The Unavoidable




the unavoidable... the heaviness... the moment when i break


I would love to be some kind of amazing. The person who never has these days. But today... is the unavoidable day. The day when it's heavier than my shoulders can carry, a bigger burden then my heart can take... and although my faith and spirit do not waiver, my body does.

It's hard.
To say the least. To remain strong and confident. To stay the course and fight for what is important to you. We go into battle, we're strong, rested, motivated... and as we trudge along we become beaten, bruised, and can find ourselves lost and alone amidst the chaos.
Of course I know I am not alone. I have God... I have my family. But, at times, it's hard to see them through the distractions. Sometimes, it's too hard see anything but the pain. It's not just a struggle with sadness, it's a struggle with fear. The fear of the unknown... the fear of the known. The fear that you will not win this battle and that you will loose everything trying to grasp the unattainable.
I go on, cleaning, talking, playing, moving... getting from morning to nightfall... and while outside I seem poised and focused on my duties I am breaking inside. Silently screaming... silently calling out for help.


And all that answers back... is the deafening silence of having to wait. All things in their own time... all things will come to pass.
The journey is the most important thing... it's where you learn...

I catch a glimpse or 2 of myself throughout the day... "pull yourself together"... "where is the strength you had yesterday"... "stop it, can't you see there is no reason to be scared... no reason to be sad"
But I just can't, or maybe I am too tired to try. At any rate, I didn't pull myself back to the plateau all day.



But sometimes, I think, it takes a down day... a day to break... to release all the pent up emotion... to be able to regain the strength and the will power for the remainder of our journey.
Maybe these unavoidable days are the "reboot" our bodies and emotions need...
Maybe I shouldn't feel so guilty, maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself.


...especially since I know 
tomorrow will be better, 
I will stand and regain my footing. 
I will smile and know that I 
am almost there.

11 comments:

kimi kreations on May 23, 2010 at 6:50 PM said...

Sending a hug your way Johnna.
{{{{hug}}}

If you ever find a way to conquer the fear, please share. I need all the help I can get.
~kimi~

Beth Simmons on May 23, 2010 at 8:26 PM said...

I definitely agree that you shouldn't feel guilty or be so hard on yourself! You are a wonderful woman and mother. I do know however, that we all have days of despair and discouragement. And as you already stated, tomorrow will be better and brighter!! Prayers and hugs!!

{Amy} on May 23, 2010 at 9:20 PM said...

wishing you a tomorrow that is happier, peaceful and full of hope! XO

Shell on May 23, 2010 at 11:40 PM said...

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you :) Beautiful photographs too, I love the windows :)

Maisey's Attic on May 24, 2010 at 1:35 AM said...

Hi - thank you for your post - you put into words exactly how I'm feeling today -

Wishing you a good day today -

xxx

Corinne on May 24, 2010 at 5:55 AM said...

It's so hard to be gentle with ourselves, but it's so needed in hard times.
Sending you hugs and wishes for a better day today :)

Jenny on May 24, 2010 at 5:55 AM said...

virtual hug straight to you johnna!!!! i know those days, and its ok to have them.if you never had a day like that, you wouldn't recognize how wonderful life is on a beautiful day....where no worries clogged your mind.
Peace to you!
xoxo

barbara on May 24, 2010 at 6:49 AM said...

sometimes all a woman needs is a really good cry... maybe it was time... hang in there sweetie :)

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Faith on May 24, 2010 at 4:45 PM said...

WOW these are really beuaitful!!

Tasha on May 25, 2010 at 7:37 AM said...

You are so not along in having these days and these feelings. We all struggle with them in one way or another. The bad are inevitable because if we never had these feelings or bad days, well, we'd be perfect human beings and we are all so very far from being perfect. I hope you have more good days then bad! Sending many hugs and wishes for better days!

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