Sunday, June 6, 2010

The “Me” I thought I’d Be


The “Me I thought I would be, the person I am and the woman I want to be are such incredibly different things…

There was a time when I envisioned my life. I would be married to some poet or literary major, he would be able to play all instruments. We’d travel, we’d raise our kids like we were from a different era. I always saw myself becoming a vegetarian, and being a writer. But that was when I was 15.
I thought I would use cloth diapers and grow my hair long. I thought I would be thin and smart and so kind.
I thought we would spend our weekends visiting art museums and reading old world novels. I would spend my time instilling the “classics” into my children. We wouldn’t have a lot of money but we would have a lot of time.

Today, I use ‘Luvs’ diapers by the boxful. I haven’t been to a museum since Lydia was 2 (although I love them) and I haven’t had time to read anything but “Little Bear” or “Goodnight Moon” for the last 6 years. I am not a vegetarian, in fact, I was just telling my mom how much I love a good, greasy cheeseburger with all the stuff -- you know, lettuce, tomato, onions and sometimes, even bacon. I only write a blog these days. My artistic outlet has shifted to photography and we haven’t been able to travel.
But my husband can play almost any instrument he touches. He amazes me, and I love when I hear “betterman” or “Going to California” filter through the house. I am a pretty nice person… really… and I am growing my hair, and I am letting it be down more often. I am have accepted that while I am not the size I want to be I can totally rock a sundress when it’s hot out… bright-white legs and all. My kids love the outdoors, and while I couldn’t give them brand new states to visit… I did help them learn about rediscovering what is right here, and that the world is always renewing itself. And sometimes we get out my huge book “Leonardo” and I share with my babies my love of Da Vinci…

The me I want to be is… thinner… has longer hair and is more kind. I make the effort to visit a museum no less than once a year and I am still getting muddy playing in creeks and woods with my kids. I will carve out time to read for myself again… and I will be active in my kids school lives. John and I, we will go on regular date nights. And we will grow old, side by side, still with little money but with blessings to make us rich…

At least… I hope.

5 comments:

Beth Simmons on June 6, 2010 at 2:14 PM said...

Beautifully written post!

Star Portraits on June 6, 2010 at 2:16 PM said...

I always thought I would use cloth diapers too! But you are truly one of the kindest friends I know & I am so glad you are YOU! : )

Maegan Beishline on June 6, 2010 at 6:06 PM said...

Oh Johnna...can I just tell you how much I relate to this?! Sometimes, though, I look at all that I am and all that I thought I'd be...and I actually like this version better. God knows exactly what He's doing! And did I mention that you are AMAZING...just as you are?!!!

Chell on June 6, 2010 at 7:30 PM said...

:) This made me smile... mostly because the life I dreamed I'd have when I was 29 is no where near what my life is like now. So, you are definitely not the only one who struggles with this. But I think what helps me is just going with what I have today - because I can't go back and change the past and God's got the future in his hands. I'm here today, and God can deal with me today, right where I am.

Sofies Haus on June 7, 2010 at 6:05 AM said...

I love it!!!!;-), Hughs Anja

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