It's Times Like These

play

2010-07-18T19:28:00.000-07:00

creekin'

2010-07-15T11:48:00.000-07:00

i blew off laundry in favor of something much more stimulating... and afternoon in the creek with the bebes...
with lydia starting kindy soon, i feel like it's my duty to embrace these last weeks... with much vigor.

morning

2010-07-13T13:46:00.000-07:00

in the morning... that's the time i like the best.

the time when it's quite, still and fresh.
today i got to spend that time in the hay field at mom and dad's.

...and i thought i would share some of the fun we had...

The Other Mother : My Blessing of a Mother in Law

2010-07-10T06:01:00.000-07:00

It's rare.
She's rare.

Or maybe, out of common ground, we were always destined to be close.

I think God gives you, if you'll have it, the advice and life experience of 2 mothers. One who fights for your side and one who fights for her son's. She will help you see the vulnerability in his choices, she will help you understand his upbringing and help you see life from a new perspective.

Sheila is one of those people that loves her family. And not just loves them a little... but they are her world, and her reason.
We are very much alike in that... both of us have small worlds.
She is a strong woman of God and she is soft in her guidance and advice.

She remembers the struggle of children close together in age and she is supportive and understanding of my efforts.

I never feel judgment and I always know she is there.

She has taught me so much...

Persevering. Serving. The Benefits of a Faithful Heart. and Willpower. She has taught me that "my way" is not always the best way... and when I listen, she knows so much. I am lucky to have her advice... blessed to have her discernment in my corner.

Sheila is someone I am proud to have in my life. Proud to call Mom and proud to learn from. And on this day, her birthday... I want her to know the gift she has been and continues to be.

Thank you for helping me, helping me live and live well... I love you.

unsure

2010-07-05T17:39:00.001-07:00

everyday
every single day
i am faced with a struggle. the struggle to maintain the kindness i know is right, maintain self aware and producitve behavior, to keep myself reminded of the wonder in life and my importance within the circle.

things have been busy here. a little to busy to take the time to make those distinctions. i think i have been neglectful of reminding myself.

or even noticing it when it's right in front of me.

what a july we have had!

fireworks...
picnics...
family and friends...
photo shoots...
playgrounds...
pool parties...
lots of catching up with loved ones and falling behind on house work.

I love cycle and I hate it.
I feel like there are so many people i need to reach out to, but short of a smile and hello i don't know how.

it's odd because within this whirlwind I have felt so much.
connected...
disconnected...
nervous...
excited...
hopeful...
and helpless.

sometimes, all at once.

I feel like i am loosing my grip on everything... and at the same time, I am so ready to watch it soar.

i crave quiet
but it's so lonely there...
i crave uninterrupted laughter...
but life is needing me...

i think i am here to say... goodbye, for a while... i need to sort out so much...

family.baby.love

2010-06-26T20:25:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to blog a few faves!!

Giving myself some Credit...

2010-06-25T09:03:00.000-07:00

... As I embark on this journey into photographing others, and selling prints, I am struggling to keep up any amount of confidence...

In my mind I am calling myself... a joke, a fraud, an idiot...
I am saying things to myself like, who would want you to take photos of their kids, you can't talk in front of people, you aren't creative enough and YOU are going to charge... who do you think you are...

why is this so hard. some people jump right into this, but I am terrified, and not just of what others might say but of the huge possibility of failure.

I know that what I am doing is so low key... but to me, this is huge.

so

I guess I thought I needed to take the time to give myself credit for how far I HAVE come... and to remind you to do the same.

I started out, 2 years ago, liking to take pictures... but not knowing anything about it. I took pictures of my kids mostly... and didn't pay any attention to the sun or to the color casts around us. I didn't think about depth of field or that a flash makes a photo look flat. I didn't even know what photoshop was and I had NO grasp of what it meant to get sun flare or ambient light. I didn't see the point in photographing anything but people, and I thought the only way to get a 'good' shot was to do so on a background in a studio set up.

wrong.

Fast forward to today and I have grasped the concept of shooting with the sun to your back, using fill flash when necessary, finding a shady spot to shoot your subjects and keeping your ISO as low as possible to avoid grain. I know the basic idea behind catching sunflare and I enjoy indulging in it often. I think about DOF constantly. And my camera is always just an arms length away.
I have a basic knowledge of PS and LR and I know the elements of a photo to enhance and what to minimize. I know the best angle to shoot children at and I appreciate still life photography.
I see a 'good' shot, as one that is natural, whimsical and real... but technically sound. I know that editing can overwhelm a photo and that it's all about the eyes... and NOT overdoing it.
I see bokeh all around me and see shots before they are taken. I am getting more good shots than bad and my focus is getting better daily.

Now... it sounds like I just got a bit carried away... but there is a whole bevy of things that I still need to learn and even more that I need to keep practicing. I know that the "people skills" will come in time and that my portfolio will grow if I just let myself take jobs.
I am not the best... and truthfully, I NEVER will be... but if I don't believe in my potential, how in the world can I expect anyone else too.

I can tell this will be a struggle for me, but I am so excited...
I have a newborn shoot tomorrow, a birthday party I'm shooting Sunday and a 3 year old on Monday and if I am not mistaken a 2 year old and 7 year old on Thursday... not all of these will earn me money (since they are friends and family) but the experience will be good!

Wish me Luck.

C A R N I V A L

2010-06-25T08:32:00.000-07:00

{ C A R N I V A L }

love this song

take a deep breath...

2010-06-24T18:31:00.000-07:00

and just write, I thought.
Just take the time to take the time...
who cares if it's good or not, you need this blog, you need this space, you need to write the words that are filling your heart.

and so...

here

we

go...

there's villiage 'roud here
with a winding road that cuts it in two
and hold memories
that I can't bear to see...
I keep my eyes to the road
And try not to think
of the time that's past me by
Or the things that beckon to me...
'Cause fairytale's don't live here anymore
And it's killin me to try to fight
These tears that fall from both my eyes...
And the ache inside me grows
with all the things I pretend not to know...
And your voice lingers
On the heavy summer air...

O someone get me out of here...

--- --- --- --- ---

Somedays, grief is bigger... bigger than I can ignore.

And Summer brings it back to me... I think because the heaviness of a beating sun at a summer days end feels like a memory.

Creativity Bootcamp : Day Thirteen

2010-06-18T08:54:00.000-07:00

Here's the 13th of my 13 posts for Creativity Boot Camp with Maegan!
This two week course focused on our creativity and pushing ourselves to the next level in our chosen outlet, mine was, obviously, photography :)

Today is the last day !

How can it be... that this is over... I guess I could have gotten used to this, but now, we are equipped a bit better and ready to move forward on our own. I have so appreciated this course and all of you who came along with me.

Luckily, Maegan will be "checking up" on us weekly... and encouraging us along... with her new weekly feature

The Sunday Creative
(click the icon)

Journal Prompt :

It's time to make some promises, to myself...

I promise to spend 30 minutes each day creating.
I promise to talk about my creativity with others.
I promise to continue to challenge myself creatively because that is how I get better.
I promise to be kind to my creative spirit.
I promise to applaud my achievements.
I promise to cultivate relationships with people who share my creative interests.
I promise to call myself an artist.

It may be hard to fathom, but I am, by definition an artist... I deserve to create and I need to foster that part of me. I need to push forward even when I think I may fail. Failure is the pathway to Success... and when I am successful or reach the goal I set it will all be worth the journey.

And the journey is beautiful.

Today's Theme was "Smile"...

Sanctuary

2010-06-18T07:09:00.000-07:00

Zoos get me.
They break my heart and inspire childlike wonder in me.
I see the blessing in the hard work being done... and I see the sadness in the animals, and the lives they have lived.

I love animals, I always have. I used to spend countless hours studying them in books. Looking at photos in National Geographic and imagining that one day it could be me, in the wilds of wherever, photographing them... I'd be like Jane Goodall, or something. I watched educational shows about animals, played explorer and just loved them.
There was a time when I knew more than all my other friends combined, did about animals. But... that was a while back.

We visited the Heaven's Corner Zoo and Animal Sanctuary yesterday. They had a "Free Day" hosted by the Preble County Chamber of Commerce, to raise awarness and hopefully bring in community interests and donations. I absolutely loved the day...
And I don't mind to admit that the child-like part of me, shooting away at all the cages, thought back to my dreams of taking the photos for National Geographic... I'm living the dream, I thought, with a smile. (Minus the NatGeo part)

It amazes me, the selection of animals they have, from around here that people thought they could actually keep as pets. One of them, was a leopard that a magician kept for his act. And one day, it just got too hard to maintain or ensure safety.
I wonder what posses people to do things like that. We've all seen a tiger cub and thought, I want a kitty like that, but we don't actually attempt to do so.

God gave us such a beautiful planet, full of beautiful things. All different, all there to enjoy, to study and watch. to make us smile, and make us appreciate the life we have.

I wish that was enough for people.

I don't do the whole green, organic, trendy version of being environmentally aware...

But I do make sure my kids know that "littering God's world" is wrong and that when Lydia studies animals in her little buckets or jars, that it is important to release them back to their homes.
I try to make sure they are kind and gentle with God's creatures and that all of them are worth appreciating.

These days, Lydia loves animals, and she knows so much about them. At each cage it seemed like she had a fact to tell us. It makes my heart soar when she does so. I love that she is excited about our world and that she wants to see it healthy and full of life.
I love that there are places like this that allow her the opportunity to see the things that we would otherwise never see closeup.

I love that there are people trying to help...

Creativity Bootcamp : Day Twelve

2010-06-17T19:10:00.000-07:00

... It can't really be the 12th day can it...

Here's the 12th of my 14 posts for Creativity Boot Camp with Maegan!
This two week course focused on our creativity and pushing ourselves to the next level in our chosen outlet, mine was, obviously, photography :)

Today is the 12th day !

I had a super busy day today... but managed to make plenty of time to be creative... I am really embracing summer!!

Journal Prompt :

Maegan asked us to think about our dreams, traveling, creatively... anything...

Now, as you think of these dreams {big or small} what might be some small baby steps you could start taking right now to begin clearing the path towards those dreams?

I struggled with this prompt. My biggest dream is to one day, make it to Europe! I can't imagine that ever happening... not on our income, but I suppose that way of thinking really hinders it, I mean... I could do something as little as opening a savings account and saving 5.00 here or there to put towards that goal... no amount is too little to save.
I want to open a print shop... and sell my own photography. I keep thinking "But you suck way too bad to do that... you are just NOT that level!" -- but that sort of mindset isn't conducive to getting better or ever achieving that goal either... I'm not really sure what the best steps would be to take towards this goal... just keep taking photos I guess ;)

Our theme today was "Smooth"

Isn't She :)
And not just 'cause she is sportin' these awesome avaitors like it ain't nobody's business... but, because she is smart and gorgeous and free spirited, because she loves everyone and has an abundance of confidence...

she's knows she's got it all goin' on... and I love that ;)

Creativity Bootcamp : Day Eleven

2010-06-16T09:34:00.000-07:00

Hi! Here's the eleventh of my 14 posts for Creativity Boot Camp with Maegan!
This two week course focused on our creativity and pushing ourselves to the next level in our chosen outlet, mine was, obviously, photography :)

Today is the eleventh day !

First, I would really like to take the time to say Thank You. To say, that I am proud to have taken part in this course, sad to see it wrapping up and amazed at the outpouring I have seen. I am so inspired and so thankful!

Journal Prompt :

Briefly map out a timeline of your life up until this point. Make sure to note school studies, periods of happiness, life changes, major decisions, jobs, periods of happiness and comfort, etc. Now, looking back at your life, can you see how each of those points led you to where you are right this minute?

I was born in 1984.

I was born into a family with very little money, but so much love.

My mom was never fussy or high matinence, and she instilled that into me as I grew.

She stayed at home and was there for me.

I went to school. I was shy and timid.

I didn't make friends easily... I was made fun of.

I got older.

I fell in what I thought was love many times over... it was never love. not real love.

My heart was broken.

I mourned.

I struggled.

I was not allowed to do the things that my friends did...

I avoided all drugs.

I avoided all alcohol.

I avoided mistakes... the kind you can't take back.

I became emptathetic.

I got a job.

I found John.

I stood for what was right.

I became a mother...

I became a mother of two...

I became a mother of three.

I went through crippling fear.

I went through loss.

I still battle myself.

I turned 25.

I am strong.

Today's Theme was "Hush"...

I found it hard to portray "hush" in a single photo. For me, Hush is a feeling. It's a state of being, a mood, a moment.

It's the pause at bathtime, it's the emotions expressed in silence - in a child's eyes, it's a patient bloom, waiting to open.

Hence the mosaic above... but here are the individual shots...

... ... ... ... ...

and here's one more, just cause it's cute

Adventures Abound

2010-06-16T07:57:00.000-07:00

TV. If kids are entertained by two letters, imagine the fun they'll have with twenty-six. Open your child's imagination. Open a book.

~Author Unknown

Every Summer, we find ourselves at this familiar place. The quaint little library, on the corner of Main and Hendricks. The one just behind our house, within a short walk.

All the books are loved
All the crayons and toys too
All the people know our names and don't seem to mind when children get a bit boisterous or toddle behind the front desk.

It's June, and that means, we are well into the summer reading program.

We pick out our ten books, sometimes more, and read all week. Visiting all sorts of places between crinkled, stained, touched pages.

We find boy books
Girl books
Baby books...
We smile and giggle and enjoy the endless adventures in store for us.

We make friends and make plans.

O how I love our Library.

I love the people there and the efforts they make. I love that it's a safe haven, where everyone is welcome and no one need be offended. Where they still remember that kids need knowledge and sometimes they have to get a little loud and a little messy to gain that knowledge.

It's a simple thing, but it's awe-inspiring.

At least to me.

The time spent with Mamaw and Papaw is precious to me, as well... in our own little moments.

Miss Toni, and Miss Kristin and all the other librarians and helpers there will never know how much this blesses my heart, or how much hope it gives me.

Creativity Bootcamp : Day Ten

2010-06-15T11:01:00.000-07:00

Hi! Here's the ninth of my 14 posts for Creativity Boot Camp with Maegan!
This two week course will focus on our creativity and pushing ourselves to the next level in our chosen outlet, mine will, obviously be photography :)

Today is the tenth day and I would encourage you all to join in!

Journal Prompt :
Maegan asked us to really sense the world around us, take in the sights, sounds, smells... everything, all day. And while it is only 2 here, in an effort to stay caught up, I am going to report my day so far and vow to keep it up the rest of the day as well :)

She asked...

At the end of your day, think about the millions of sensations you experienced. Try to answer these questions…

Which ones stand out in your mind as being the most pleasant?

Were there any that were repulsive?

Did any bring back memories from your past?

Did any motivate you to do anything particular?

Did any of these sensations inspire you in your creations?

If you were to try and capture creatively any of these sensations, how would you do it?

The most pleasant parts of the day included taking some photos of Layla, listening to the birds and her giggling. It included the smell of rain still on the breeze at 7 this morning when we headed out for a walk.
I loved smelling the tea when I opened the pouch to set up a still life today, and seeing all the new growth around me.
None of the things I noticed today were repulsive, but I am a pretty laid back momma, and I think that helps.
There isn't a day that goes by that something doesn't remind me of my past. Something as simple as the warm, midday sun on my neck brings me back to my blessed childhood.
All of this listening, watching and waiting really DID inspire me, I had a still shot picked for our theme today, but after opening the day up to live and be, I have another shot that I will share. The feeling of the grass inspired me to shoot photos of layla in it, emphasizing the height of it. Also, opening my eyes helped me to see that little "stinker bug" at the top of the post :)
I see so much emotion in my children's expressions. They are so sincere in all they do. That's how I like to convey sensations...

Our theme today was "Full-Bodied"...

This is the shot I initally took...

And this one of Layla is the one I decided to go with : )

Full-Bodied Tea :)

Hello Girl

2010-06-15T10:32:00.000-07:00

Layla is in some sort of wonderful phase where she loves my camera

and silly noises

and being chased around.

I had to share these...

and I don't think I could be loving it more than I do

-smile-

see the rest on facebook

Creativity Bootcamp : Day 9

2010-06-15T06:38:00.000-07:00

Hi! Here's the ninth of my 14 posts for Creativity Boot Camp with Maegan!
This two week course will focus on our creativity and pushing ourselves to the next level in our chosen outlet, mine will, obviously be photography :)

Today is the ninth day and I would encourage you all to join in!

Journal Prompt :

Practice art for the simple love of art itself.

Since I posted some doodles yesterday, I thought I would share what made me fall in love with art...

Color.

Seeing a blank, off-white coloring book page go from lifeless to magical in a few strokes. Seeing that "Ariel"could have brown or black hair in my world, not red like in the movies. It was self expression. Seeing things the way I wanted them to be and sharing my vision. I loved that it meant I had control.

Today's theme is "drizzle"

It's been raining so much here lately. Everything is covered in drizzly rain.

Rianna's Graduation Party!!

2010-06-13T08:17:00.000-07:00

My heart is so full of pride right now... it might just burst.

Did I know she could do it

yes

But that doesn't diminish my reaction even a tiny bit.

I know, that she is going to go so far, that her potential and that her love for the Lord will bring her wherever she needs to go.

I am in awe of the "..." that ends this chapter... and I cannot wait to watch her spread her wings

And besides the wonderful day we had... celebrating my sister's acheivement... well... my cousin Mike, who I haven't seen in 5 years was up to visit!! What a wonderful blessing!!

It felt so good to see him, and rounded out the day so nicely. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect afternoon.

This is what life is all about...

See more of our day at the Facebook Album

Creativity Bootcamp : Days 7 & 8

2010-06-13T07:50:00.000-07:00

Hi! Here's the seventh (and eighth) of my 14 posts for Creativity Boot Camp with Maegan!
This two week course will focus on our creativity and pushing ourselves to the next level in our chosen outlet, mine will, obviously be photography :)

Today is the seventh and eighth day and I would encourage you all to join in!

The journaling for this weekend was private. We were urged to take some time and write and write and write, till we filled 3notebook pages with thoughts and rambling. Letting out anything we needed to "empty". Then toss it.

I have ALWAYS been a big fan of this. It really helps. Usually, I will right a letter to someone, let all my frustration out on paper, then toss it. It feels liberating, and helps keep you from blowing your witness or loosing your cool.

Even though I had a lovely weekend and have had some much needed time celebrating with family, I enjoyed the letting go. It was freeing, and it really cleared my mind. Infact, letting it go, tangibly, helped me let it go emotionally, and helped me be able to pray more focused for the things I hoped for this weekend... and now... I can proudly and humbly say, that it paid off... I received a weekend full of blessings and answered prayers for me and those I prayed for. I couldn't ask for more.

And now, onto a more "creative" note. Here are the Themes for Day 7 and 8...

Day 7 was Fly...

All I could think of, was that now... after years of watching her grow and learn and take in all lessons you do from birth to 18 years... throughout school from kindergarten to graduation... it is now her time to fly... and not just fly, but soar.

There was this verse that My mom kept mentioning... and when they gave her her extra little medal for the memory verses that she memorized during homeschooling... that's all I could think of.

but those who hope in the LORD, will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31

Day 8 was Ornament...

I just love cameos... they make me smile all over. They are so delicate and sweet and classy and from another time.

2 Girls... 2 Canons... 2 Stories : Pathway of the Past

2010-06-12T20:31:00.000-07:00

Pathway of the Past

Germantown really is some amazing blend of past and present. The streets are lined with old homes and beautiful doorways and gates. The whole area of the city we spent our time in really transports you to another place.

Completely beautiful!

I would love to tell you every little detail, but instead, I will just show you...

I cannot wait to pick our next location to shoot at!!

see bunches more at the facebook album

or watch the slide show

2 Girls... 2 Canons... 2 Stories : Sorry, We don't take Cash

2010-06-11T17:41:00.000-07:00

Sorry, We don't take Cash

We paused, between sides of town, to quench our thirst and fill our tummies... To talk and rest our tired feet. This adorable little cafe along - you guessed it - Center Street was so cute. They had freshly made muffins under glass, those tin tiles along the ceiling. The walls were a fresh, peaceful green and it was such a perfect little one of a kind place.

They didn't take cash there, and I told Amber... I like that, it makes it seem so special, ya know...

The food was good, the people were sweet and the company was divine.

--on a side note, I know this isn't taking me a week to blog, but I am so excited to share and tell you all what a special day it was : )

AND, Amber is writing a little about it as well...you can see her post about the abandoned school here

see more of this adorable cafe and the goodies inside at the facebook album

2 Girls... 2 Canons... 2 Stories : Reckless Abandon

2010-06-11T06:01:00.000-07:00

Reckless Abandon

I think it went "I don't see that sign, do you?"

"No, the gates are open"

insert thrilling dash across the concrete to the steps of the abandonned, forgot, rotting away school

"We'll have to both get pictures here since it's so cool"

insert mini-shoot in front of the door anda glance to the door itself

"Amber, this will totally open"

I try it

"It will"

And Amber opens it the rest of the way...

Let's not call it breaking and entering, let's call it exploreing. That sounds better.

And what started as one step became ten steps, then a tiptoed walk around the rooms... a lot of sneaky whispering and a handful of photos.

2 girls giddy with breaking the rules...

See more of these photos in my facebook album

or watch the itty bitty slide show

Creativity Boot camp : Day Six

2010-06-11T05:38:00.000-07:00

Hi! Here's the sixth of my 14 posts for Creativity Boot Camp with Maegan!
This two week course will focus on our creativity and pushing ourselves to the next level in our chosen outlet, mine will, obviously be photography :)

Today is the sixth day and I would encourage you all to join in!

Maegan asked us, initially, today, to step outside of our creative box. To try to push beyond our "norm" and do something different.

Photography is something that made ALL my other creative outlets take a backseat, and for 2 years, that's where they've been. But... today, I got out a piece of paper and Lydia's Mega Pencil, in great need of sharpening, and I started doodling. Not to be great at it, but just to see what came out...

And in working with my chosen medium... photography... I am drawn to photograph small things very close and clearly... too step away from this, I photographed my itty bitty wooden elephant in the window sill, through the curtains. I sort of like it...

Journal Prompt :

What are your self-imposed “rules” of creating. What are some characteristics of your work that you seem to inhabit in each of your works? Do you find that you have these same tendencies when you work in a different medium or do you tend to switch rule sets? Brainstorm some alternatives methods, ideas, or techniques for how to escape your traditional style.

My Rules for creating are simple, usually...

1. photograph as much as possible every single day

2. really see and try to convey it through my photos

I have a hard time pinpointing exactly what all my "characteristics" are... I know I love vintage tones, crisp light and close up portraits and I try to fill my backgrounds with all sorts of bokeh. And I think you do see a lot of that in my photos.

I do think that I want to write in a somewhat timeless way, and I think my drawings tend to go in a whimsical vintage or retro vibe. I guess I just like what I like ; )

Today's Theme was "Fluid"... so... non-original me, photographed water, in my adorable Katie Brown bowl...

I think we are so much like water... adaptable to our surroundings, flexible, strong when we have to be... we're easily broken at the surface and we find ourselves crashing into so many things and having to go on in spite of it.

I would like to be more like the water... flowing freely... accepting the dangers ahead and the unknown...

Creativity Bootcamp : Day Five

2010-06-10T19:15:00.000-07:00

As you listen to the music of your past, begin to think about what your hopes and expectations for life were when you were young and the world was wide open. {If you are young and the world is wide open, get crazy and write your wildest dreams right now.}

High school was hard. I think everyone can say that. Honestly, I was very insecure and spent much of my time over-thinking and feeling rejected (even if I wasn't). I wasn't as driven towards a certain career or goal, more a way of life. Honestly, I was naive. I can see and admit that now, but really, then, all I wanted was to be loved. I think I hoped for that above all other things. I have always been drawn to the idea of commitment and family.

Our Theme today was "Grow". I wish I could say I thought out of the box on this one, but I really enjoyed my day with Amber and that was what was on my mind! : ) Linking the two... I do love that while we grew up and in different paths, we still managed to stay close and grow linked.

2 Girls... 2 Canons... 2 Stories : Amber

2010-06-10T18:24:00.000-07:00

Amber

So, to begin this blog series, "2 Girls... 2 Canons... 2 Stories" I thought I would focus on the person I actually took this adventure with, my cousin Amber!

Amber and I are very much alike...

We both shoot with Canons.

We both have a love for Architecture, Sweet Tea, and Exploring.

We Both have dark hair and fair skin.

Unfortunately we don't get to spend as much time together as we'd like... It had been 6 years since we went out, just the two of us. And it was well overdue.

We both thought our plans would fall through... but in God's hands, it all came together.

Amber is one of those people you would probably call "full-of-life" or a "go-getter". And she is. She lights up a room and talks with such excitement that you really feel apart of the story she's telling.

She's a great person with a big personality.

A confident woman who loves her husband, her family and her rambuncious dog-son Tank.

She's an RN in an ICU. She tackles stressful situations with grace and stands strong in her Christian walk.

I admire her so much.

I love that we can come together and pick things up where we left off. I love that our connection runs deep and that we stay close.

Today, it was so fun... we encouraged each other... there was no competition. We shot similar things, we thought similar thoughts but no one was trying to win, we were moving together, enjoying the day.

She brought me out of my comfort zone and made me laugh.

I loved it, and I love her... so so much!

for more photos of Amber visit my facebook album!

2 Girls... 2 Canons... 2 Stories

2010-06-10T17:46:00.000-07:00

Prepare for a week long love affair with Germantown Ohio... Amber and I had our photo-walk today and it was pure delight.

But this day was about so much more than just photography... it was about catching up, making a connection, coming together... talking, sharing and feeling so alive.

It was just one day but it had so many little pockets of discovery and I cannot wait to share... once I get everything in order and get the photos edited, I intend on sharing a generous sampling with you...

Creativity Bootcamp : Day Four

2010-06-09T11:44:00.000-07:00

(one of my inspiration photos)

Hi! Here's the fourth of my 14 posts for Creativity Boot Camp with Maegan!
This two week course will focus on our creativity and pushing ourselves to the next level in our chosen outlet, mine will, obviously be photography :)

Today is the fourth day and I would encourage you all to join in!

Journal Prompt :

First, Maegan asked us to go outside and get ispired, without thinking about the composition of the photos, just shoot!

Now I’d like you to look at your photos. There’s no need to print them…looking at them on the computer will work fine. Think about what specifically motivated you to take certain pictures. Was it something small and unique about your subject? Was it the color? Was it how certain elements came together and played off of one another? Get detailed. Think about it a lot…as if you were trying to tell a child what made that beautiful. If you were to go back and attempt to re-take the pictures, capturing only the elements that you were drawn to, how would you frame the shot?

It has been raining here... lots, and the kids are not behaving so I knew that the walk I wanted to take wouldn't happen, but - not to be deterred - I did pop outside and try to find some inspiration. Immediately, I saw this little leaf on the tin roof of our bird house, and cupped inside the leaf a large water droplet.
While taking the "quick photo" I found myself unable to remove from my mind the technical aspects. Which sort of thrilled me : ). I saw the delicate lines in the leaf, the crisp green color and the slight curl at the edges of the leaf, I saw the tin roof that complimented the fresh green and I took note of the perfectly placed droplet on the leaf. I saw the finished product... I saw the editing I would do to keep it clean and enhance it's refreshing quality. It was beautiful because it was natural. It wasn't trying to be a perfect leaf with a water droplet on it... it just was.

Our Theme today was "Heavy Metal" and I was able to think somewhat outside the box, I think... the first thing that came to my mind was my wedding rings.

I know, I know, this was supposed to be lighthearted... but... this is how my mind works, and I am not going to fight it.
Have you ever heard that song, "Golden Rings" that George Jones and Tammy Wynette used to sing? Well, in it... it says "...by itself, it's just a cold metallic thing, only love can make a golden wedding ring"... and that's how I feel... this wedding band is heavy with commitment. It means a lot to me, and it's a symbol of eternity.

(( smaller ones are sooc ))

Take No Thought

2010-06-08T18:22:00.000-07:00

Thursday, the 10th, my awesome cousin Amber and I are going for a Photo-Walk in Germantown... Both of us, Canon's in hand, Shutter's Ready... together. Two girls catching up on life and eachother and being just friends.

I am so excited to spend the day shooting in the city, and Germantown is FULL of beautiful architecture, age and pleasantly perfect spots. And it will be made better by spending way too much on coffee and just relaxing with someone I love.

Life is Good.

And I cannot wait to share with you all, the wonderful day we share!

(( if you haven't, visit my sweet cuz at her flickr stream ))

Realities and Blessings : Week Twelve

2010-06-08T18:13:00.000-07:00

Realities and Blessings : Week Twelve

the middle of the week edition

Hello Again ... Welcome Back... or just Welcome ( for those of you visiting for the first time) -- this is another week of Realities and Blessings...

Thanks to the Amazing Maegan of Life Set to Words , who shared this inspiring idea and encouraged us to play along ... I am one of many women finding more blessings and more hope each day... thank you Maegan. xo

Reality:

My Baby just turned two and I am in some odd form of denial about the whole thing. Not really sad, more like disbelief.

Blessing:

My Baby is TWO!! And she is getting bigger and more outspoken everyday! Birthday's are bittersweet but we are well on our way to a whole new adventure.

Reality:

This past month and a half has been a struggle... not with depression, but with knowing how to handle my relationships and how to not feel like all the good ones in my life are slipping away. It's a moral struggle and a self-discovering struggle and a struggle in empathy for others and myself. It's emotionally draining.

Blessing:

Without knowing, one of my oldest, sweetest friends picked up on my melancholy mood... without seeing or hearing me... and reminded me that no matter how far apart we are separated... by time or by miles... we would always be close... because real connection is bigger than limitations of this world. It meant the world to me. And I thank God for uncomplicated truths like that.

Creativity Bootcamp : Day Three

2010-06-08T14:48:00.000-07:00

Hi! Here's the third of my 14 posts for Creativity Boot Camp with Maegan!
This two week course will focus on our creativity and pushing ourselves to the next level in our chosen outlet, mine will, obviously be photography :)

Today is the third day and I would encourage you all to join in!

Journal Prompt :

Name some of your biggest creative buzz kills, including a person or two, and disarm them!

My biggest creative buzz kills... well... the fear of looking like an idiot to someone who I think knows more than me... or to look ridiculous and have people who don't know a thing, laugh and point.

I stand in my own way a lot of the time.

Even in High School, and Middle School before that, I had a hard time embarking on a new journey. The knowing that I would not be the best and the fear of failure kept me from embracing all the things I loved to do... or just wanted to try.

I know it sounds like a cop-out to name myself as the person who creates my "buzz kill", like I am trying to get off the hook for something, but in this journey... creatively, spiritually and personally, I am by far the biggest stumbling block I face. I have to learn to be more gentle with myself and set my own standards... I have to see the progress I AM making and keep my goals realistic.

Our Theme Today was "Multilayered" and while I wanted to go beyond the word, like the amazing Jade, I saw this multilayered, origami elephant and I wanted so badly to photograph him... I think he is so sweet :)

(( sooc are the smaller ones ))

I have always loved elephants, ever since I was small. And now, since The Secret Garden, that has only increased...

Creativity Bootcamp : Day Two

2010-06-07T18:22:00.000-07:00

Hi! Here's the second of my MANY posts for Creativity Boot Camp with Maegan!
This two week course will focus on our creativity and pushing ourselves to the next level in our chosen outlet, mine will, obviously be photography :)

Today is the second day and I would encourage you all to join in!!

Journal Prompt :

Do you shy away from calling yourself an artist? If so, what do you think makes someone else an artist and not you? What are some ways that you can start today to outwardly reflect your inner artist? Name three people who you would be comfortable sharing your creative work and projects with.

Being an "Artist" is something that I associate with others... I suppose by definition, that IS what I am... but it's a word that I feel I need to earn, and I am still inside of that process. It's strange... I know the logic... anyone who creates something is an artist. My husband is an artist when he writes music for a song. Barb is an artist who creates amazing jewelery. Maegan is an incredible photographic artist. William Blake was an amazing literary artist, and Da Vinci was a truly gifted renaissance artist... I guess I just feel like in the wide-range of artists I know and respect, I am still the student, still the admirer. I suppose to me art is an emotion... and being an artist holds huge emotional connection for me, it's the place I want to be... it's just ahead...
I know this sounds silly, but the simplest thing that I struggle with, is the confidence to snap pictures anywhere and everywhere. I am just now feeling okay about snapping photos at events of anyone and everyone. I am only just now comfortable walking outside and taking pictures of the details that no one else notices. Sure, I know they think of me as the crazy lady with a camera, but that was a big step toward letting people know that I am embracing creativity. I also started this blog... writing is something I feel... something I need, and to express that, and not care who looks is something else that defines my creative journey. I also... on a more physical level, find myself embracing the side of me that dresses the way I feel... not just clinging to 3/4 length sleeves and pants into the summer just so I can cover the body I am uncomfortable with... I bought a sundress, and while it's black, it is embracing the parts of me inside rather than focusing on my outside... which is very liberating and sparks a lot of freedom in my creative journey as well...
Sharing my journey toward becoming an "artist" is something that I struggle with too... you may not think so, since here I am sharing with all of you... but you all are coming from a similar place, we are moving independently, but together... and there is such safety in that... but in my life here, in Camden, well... probably the three people who will be the most honest but gentle are My Hubs, My Friend Jess and my Sister. My mom's are biased ;) as you can imagine. But I am so thankful for the net of support I do have.

Our Theme today was Picnic...

I had a lot of fun with this, I wanted to do something a little different, so I set up a "trap" and managed to capture this huge clump of ants all over Layla's leftover birthday cake!

O, and isn't that ant in the second shot that is looking right at me, the cutest! What a ham! -wink-

(sooc are the smaller shots)

The “Me” I thought I’d Be

2010-06-06T14:01:00.000-07:00

The “Me I thought I would be, the person I am and the woman I want to be are such incredibly different things…

There was a time when I envisioned my life. I would be married to some poet or literary major, he would be able to play all instruments. We’d travel, we’d raise our kids like we were from a different era. I always saw myself becoming a vegetarian, and being a writer. But that was when I was 15.
I thought I would use cloth diapers and grow my hair long. I thought I would be thin and smart and so kind.
I thought we would spend our weekends visiting art museums and reading old world novels. I would spend my time instilling the “classics” into my children. We wouldn’t have a lot of money but we would have a lot of time.

Today, I use ‘Luvs’ diapers by the boxful. I haven’t been to a museum since Lydia was 2 (although I love them) and I haven’t had time to read anything but “Little Bear” or “Goodnight Moon” for the last 6 years. I am not a vegetarian, in fact, I was just telling my mom how much I love a good, greasy cheeseburger with all the stuff -- you know, lettuce, tomato, onions and sometimes, even bacon. I only write a blog these days. My artistic outlet has shifted to photography and we haven’t been able to travel.
But my husband can play almost any instrument he touches. He amazes me, and I love when I hear “betterman” or “Going to California” filter through the house. I am a pretty nice person… really… and I am growing my hair, and I am letting it be down more often. I am have accepted that while I am not the size I want to be I can totally rock a sundress when it’s hot out… bright-white legs and all. My kids love the outdoors, and while I couldn’t give them brand new states to visit… I did help them learn about rediscovering what is right here, and that the world is always renewing itself. And sometimes we get out my huge book “Leonardo” and I share with my babies my love of Da Vinci…

The me I want to be is… thinner… has longer hair and is more kind. I make the effort to visit a museum no less than once a year and I am still getting muddy playing in creeks and woods with my kids. I will carve out time to read for myself again… and I will be active in my kids school lives. John and I, we will go on regular date nights. And we will grow old, side by side, still with little money but with blessings to make us rich…

At least… I hope.

Creativity Bootcamp : Day One

2010-06-06T08:34:00.001-07:00

Welcome to the first of my MANY posts for Creativity Boot Camp with Maegan!
This two week course will focus on our creativity and pushing ourselves to the next level in our chosen outlet, mine will, obviously be photography :)

Today is the first day and I would encourage you all to join in!!

--- --- --- --- ---

Our First Assignment was to write ourselves a letter... one to our future self, the one who had finished the course. Then, set it aside for another day... when we have finished. I am doing that now, but I won't share my letter till the end of the course...

The other assignment was to use our creativity medium to interpret the word "ivory".

Here is mine... (the smaller one to the right is the sooc)

My goal with this creativity boot camp is to not only branch out with photography, but to be more creative with the initial shots, rather than resting on post processing.

Happy Birthday Layla Gracie

2010-06-05T19:00:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Gracie Girl...

...words cannot even express the things i am feeling...

I am so proud

I am so in love

and I am in such dissbelief that my baby isn't really a baby at all...

she's a smart, adventurous, beautiful, fun, full of life big girl

she is growing everday

and proving to me over and over again, how precious life is.

I love your smile, I love your voice and I love your style.

I love that you were as excited about the party as I was and that you had a wonderful reaction for every single gift!

I loved that so many of us came together to celebrate you... and your life and the blessing you are.

you make my heart so full, honey.

I wouldn't trade you for the world...

I am so blessed...

Happy Birthday. I love you.

Loss, Connection, and Life

2010-06-01T05:01:00.000-07:00

I have struggled with whether or not to even write this post, let alone, post it for everyone to see... but the heavier it weighs on me, the more I feel like it needs to be written. Maybe for me, maybe for you, maybe for someone I will never really know... maybe not... but this is my space to say what I want to say... so... I will.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

All of us have lost someone... Sometimes we loose them physically to illness. Sometimes we loose them to their lifestyle. Sometimes we loose them to time and space between us.
I have managed all three... and more.
Sometimes the past seems like a different life completely. One that I only grasp in moments, and never as a whole. How the steps we took yesterday shape our life today... and they are steps we will never retrace... and barely recall.
Everyday... every single day... there are people I miss. My heart breaks with some smell, some phrase, some out of nowhere reminder that they are gone. Every day I feel the heaviness of loss at some point. Sometimes I cry... sometimes only inside. While lost in one of those moments it occurred to me the difference between loosing someone to death loosing someone to life... if all we do is loose touch, we fool ourselves into thinking that we will, in fact, see them again, and reconnect and all will be as it was... but that is a lie. And I know because I lost someone to life... and then to death... and I have to live with that.
People don't live forever... and they don't sit in one spot waiting for you to return to them. Everyone is moving... we are ever-changing... and getting further from the times when we were connected.

Some connection runs deep... deeper and longer than time... there are some people I maintain an inkling of closeness with, because they hold a spot in my heart. But in the moments when I am reminded of loss, I wish my arms were big enough to stretch across time and space and hold them for just a moment.
I am a loner who craves connection. Little, sweet, sincere connections. I have never been good at letting people go from my heart. And maybe that's why it breaks so easily.

But how do I hold onto the past, in a safe way and not jeopardize my life today? How to I make connections and suffer through loss without hurting what is right here, already connected and moving with me?

I wish that I could have gone through life and been focused on other things, so that this wouldn't bother me so. But at the other end of the spectrum, I am so thankful for the handful of people who made my life fuller, happier and better. They were the ones who got me to the place to love myself and to love all kinds of people.
I was thinking about, how a couple years back, I struggled with not being in photographs... and one of my sweet friends said, I have many photographs of us, but their in my mind, not in print... or something to that effect... and that meant the world to me. Sometimes the most tangible thing, is not tangible at all. And I thank God that I saw sides of people that were real and special. I wouldn't trade my up-till-3am conversations and bus rides or walks in the halls for any amount of snapshots. I had real closeness... and I was blessed.

Maybe that's how connection works... it has to be real in the first place. And how many people, in our lives, do we really REALLY connect with... only a few... and while we do all move separately... and with space between us... that connection keeps us close on a real level.

Life and the living it... right now... means to me, fostering the connections I have NOW. Tending to them, caring for them, and making them stronger.
It means making the most of all the days I have with my kids. And knowing when to step back and let them soar without my guiding hands. It means finding that time when John is home to be close, and making an hour worth enough to fill up the space till next we are together. It means checking in with friends that I care so much about, and letting them know they are always on my mind. It means making space for grandparents to be the best grandparents, aunts and uncles to be best friends and extended family to know they are loved. It means making the most of milestones of my own, of my children and of everyone else around me... it means loving the way I am supposed to and letting go of the hurt that keeps us apart.
It means embracing the fact that I was lucky enough to really love and be loved by many people at different stages of my life... and that is nothing to be ashamed of...

It means having my moments to cry when I miss someone... and to hold on to the reasons they made my life better... holding a memory for a little while longer...

And making many more memories with my friends and family and cherishing all the time I have.

And So... a Summer of Fishing Begins

2010-05-31T10:45:00.000-07:00

Every year, we spend our Summer's busy with all sorts of things. With John working third shift, some of those things won't be happening. But, Fishing is something we will manage to fit in. Picnics of bologna and cheese, handfuls of wax-worms and night-crawlers...

Lots of time spent explaining to Layla that you don't need to put the actual fishing pole into the water to catch something, and that you can actually fall in, no matter how sure you are that you wont.

It's time again to catch a whole bevvy of bluegill that Lydia wants to rescue, and her thinking we need the net to pull them all in ;)

It will be full of tangled lines, lost bobbers, and lots of sweaty faces.

I know I'll work off a few pounds chasing the kiddos around, and I will inevitably forget to bring extra clothes at least once. But we will be together, and we will be enjoying the simple, free, wonderful memories there are to be made. And in times like these... well... you need that.

The kids have already been once without us, and we had this trip just yesterday. And then, for Father's Day, we always go! And I really do love it... with all my heart.

Hunter's Graduation

2010-05-31T10:21:00.000-07:00

Graduation Season is upon us! And my cousin Hunter just had his party!!
Amber my cousin, and his sister hosted it at her new house, which is lovely... and we had a great time (( you can visit her blog here ))

I will probably never be a good event photographer, but it sure was nice just enjoying seeing everyone! And snapping a few photos along the way :)
I am so proud of Hunter and the milestone, he has reached, of graduating... and I can't wait to see what life holds for him.

Goodbye May

2010-05-30T08:17:00.000-07:00

Goodbye May

You have been sweet

and sometimes dreary

but i enjoyed your rainy days, your flowers and lilac breezes

I enjoyed all the treasures you sent my way

and all the promises of a beautiful June you made

I loved the accomplishments you held for my life

and all you taught me

I loved how green and growing you were

and how crisp your skies were

I sure will miss you.

Realities and Blessings : Week Eleven

2010-05-29T04:46:00.000-07:00

Realities and Blessings : Week Eleven

Just one this week... things are so busy here...

Reality : It is, SO hot out, sticky, sweaty, gross hot. My springtime is gone, replaced with the frustrating wave of summer. I miss my sometimes chilly spring. Here come the sunburns and higher electric bills since we have to run those stupid ac's

Blessing : It means it's time again for afternoons in the creek and at the beach! Even though the car ride with a drivers side window that is stuck closed will be hot and miserable, the water is going to feel so good! It means it's time for water balloons, and little pools in the front yard, at mamaw's and nanny's house too. It means Layla is turning 2 in just wee bit (June 5th). The sky is a clear, bright, bold blue, the clouds are the purest white. The fruit is sweet and I get to wear my sunglasses everywhere! Time to roll down those windows, turn up that music and sing everywhere I go! Hello Summer, this year, let's try to be friends.

Have a Great Week, Full of Finding your Blessings

Thank You Jessica :)

2010-05-28T17:10:00.000-07:00

Thank You Jess...

And not just for this adorable tin :) but for your friendship.
For listening and never judging... for careing and never forgetting to let me know you're there.
For your patience and your sweet spirit.
For enabling me in my addiction of vintage tins and photography.

I would be so lost without you...
You mean the world to me and I never want you to forget that.
You're seriously like, the coolest chick I know... and the best momma ever!
You make these amazing cakes and embrace life in a way that astounds and inspires me.

You make me giggle when I shouldn't and when I really need to.
You remember all the things we did in highschool... and all the things I wanted to do too.
You are the most sincere person, with the biggest heart.

And I love you so much!

Sonny and Cher

2010-05-27T17:55:00.000-07:00

And it's fish this time, bluegills... Sonny and Cher...
Lydia asked me to rename them... so I did... ;)

Today, while layla caught up on some napping and we maximized on some serious cuddle time, Lydia and Rooster went fishing with Mamaw and Papaw. And came home with BOTH of Lydia's catches... 2 perfect little bluegills. We're going to keep them a few days. The kids are loving watching them. I sort of am too, but keep that on the down low since I am that anti-pet patrol most of the time ( I have to uphold my image ).

They are really sweet, sharing the tiny tank so nicely.

We'll see how it goes.

Memorial Day

2010-05-27T17:12:00.000-07:00

For love of country they accepted death... ~James A. Garfield

There was a time, not so long ago, when an entire nation believed.

An entire nation stood behind what had to be done to protect what we held so dear.

A whole country of men, women and families, moving as one... support abounding, and pride in holding our security.

But that time has gone...

And now, the few stand, heads held high, accepting death for the love of their country and what she can be, the freedom she represents.

War is ugly. War is sad and angry... but war is not empty. It is not simply violence and hate. I know that war is the inevitable. It is the looming cloud. Our freedom comes at a price, the highest of costs. And no matter how much I would like the world to be beyond that, it isn't and I know that war is necessary, till the world heals...

Like a mother should protect her child when it is in danger, so these brave men and women fight, unwaivering to protect the soil we call "home" from corruption and devastation. They fight for our saftey.

Some of them return home... ever changed, ever marked for all they have seen or done. They come how new. They come home tired.

Some of them never come home.

The job of a soldier is not to march in line, spotless uniform, medals gleaming in the sun... the job of a soldier is painful, trying, and seldom seen by those who he(she) protects. It is thankless on the highest level. It is ridiculed and mocked.

It is lonely. It is terrifying.

It takes parts of them forever.

On this memorial day, and everyday, I do take that moment to think of them with pride. To appreciate all the bravery I know of and all the courage I will never hear of.

I take the time to be thankful for their gifts. The one they paid for with all or part of their life.

I think of the victims some have become and the heroes they all are.

I think of so many.

War will always be ugly

but this freedom...

it is truly beautiful.

But the freedom that they fought for, and the country grand they wrought for,
Is their monument to-day, and for aye.
~Thomas Dunn English

a memory borrowed

2010-05-27T14:28:00.000-07:00

The back reads "Mother in Florida" in my wonderful Nana's distinct, familiar penmanship.

What a treat to find this while searching for something else entirely. The smile on her face is so special to me. My great Grandma Rose was a nervous woman, tired and soft. She loved us so much... and still, up there in heaven, free of her worries, I know she still does love us, and is running around with this smile on...

I thank God for gifts like this... someone else's memory, that he puts into my hands when I need the smile.

You Asked... Now let me explain...

2010-05-27T10:10:00.000-07:00

You Asked...

Now let me explain

I can not tell you what the overwhelming response to my "Ask me Anything" post! I was never the interesting, fun, cool girl in school, so to have so many of you play along tickles me to no end.

I had plans on a video blog, I was so excited to shoot it, but I can't get any of it to work so I'll just type the answers here and do a vlog for something else!

Let's get started

1. What's your favorite lens to shoot with?

I wish I could say something really awesome, the truth is there are a lot of lenses I would love to have, but till the money is there I only own 2 lenses... the 18-55mm lens that came with my Xsi, and a 75-300mm Zoom.

Truthfully, I love the kit lens. I am so happy to have a dslr, that the lens is just an after thought, but upgrading from a point and shoot I can really see how capable this lens is, it really is a great learning lens.

2. What's your favorite color?

I am definitely a color kind of girl! I love aqua's, teals, deep blue greens, ocean colors. There is something so calming and fresh about them. And I get a sense of joy just looking at them.

3. Would you ever do a photography gathering for a small group of like minded women to come together and learn from each other...taking photos around your area?

I would love to do something like this! My cousin, Amber and I have something similar planned for later in June. We're going to do a photo walk together and I am so looking forward to it! However, there are many photographers who are from Ohio, like I am, and I would adore getting together with them for an afternoon of shooting. I love that you can share photography, but that it is still your own.

4. Will you create some more actions?!

It means the world to me to be asked this! I am such a beginner at this whole concept of making actions. I really want to prepare a large set the next time I create some. I want to do some light, vintage ones, some new black and whites and a set of deep rich toned actions. I also want to create some more textures, but, I am a ways off from any of that :)

Right now I am enjoying Dawn Gordon's free light room presets and I treated myself to some of Sarah Cornish's (my4hens) actions. She has some awesome freebies and I am simply in love with the Fresh Cut Flowers set!

5. If you could go anywhere in the world to take a photograph, where would it be?

I thought a lot about this... traveling is something I would love to do... I always have been fascinated with Europe and Africa and all the history they hold. But if I can only pick one place I am going to have to say Vatican City, in Rome. I think it's such a beautiful city and they have these amazing stone bridges with large sculptures and carvings. There are three that cross the water there, and if you stand to one side you can see the lights in the distance, the architecture all around you and beautiful reflections in the water... it's completely stunning. I see this amazing shot, with rich tones and beautiful bokeh. Something so magical.

6. how did you meet John?

When I turned 18 my Mom and Dad told me it was time for a job. I applied 2 places, Big Lots and the McDonalds across the street. McDonalds offered me a lot more money but I chose Big Lots since it was more laid back and I didn't have to go to some course like McDonalds used to make you.

One day, while working with Doug (my boss, John's friend) John walked in with someone. I start elbowing Doug and whispering "Who is that??" to which he responded, "that's just John"

-sigh- John...

I was so smitten. I thought Wow, he is so hot, I have got to meet him!

And he must have thought I was pretty all right since he proceeded with flirting with me the entire time he was there. He came up, grabbed my micro phone speaker and says "Johnna, we need a price check"

A couple weeks later we actually worked a Saturday together, and spent the entire time avoiding working at all and deciding we would be perfect for eachother... and that was that... from then on we were inseperable...

thank you Big Lots, and thank you Doug and thank you God.

7. What is your daily schedule like?

Busy! I get up between 5 and 7, drink too much coffee, make breakfast for the kiddos, then John comes in and since he works thirds, I usually make him some sort of dinner-ish food. He usually wants pizza. I clean the living room, settle the kids, check Facebook, Blogger and Flickr. I straighten the kitchen some and by then the kids are in some kind of fight. I usually try to visit the grandparents through the week and I usually try to fit in at least one trip to the grocery a week. We take a walk around town, usually enjoy a picnic type lunch and we play play play. I am always busy, there is always something to tend to... and I do it all with my canon draped around my neck ;)

8. Where do you see yourself in five years?

There are 2 places I could be.

Either the schools will have gotten even worse... which I fear may be the case, at which time I will probably be supervising some sort of homeschooling. Maybe an online school where it will be easier to get them a diploma.

I will have 3 kids enrolled in a public school and I will have the time to enroll myself into the photography or art classes I so long to take. Nothing fancy, just to keep learning and carve out the space for me that I am sure I will need if my babies are gone all day.

9. What would be your advice to a beginner photographer??

I feel incredibly inadequate at answering this, since I feel like such a beginner myself... and I only call myself a photographer in a joke-ish sort of way. Sure I love photography, but I am so far from where I want to be.

But... the best advice I can give you is 1)Seek out what you desire doing, find inspiration in Magazines and online. Not to copy, but to give yourself an idea of how to begin. 2)Learn basic terms since you will need to know what people are talking about! 3) Seek out honest critisism. When I decided I wanted to pursue learning photography, I joined a flickr group Life Thru a Lenz which is an AWESOME forum where you receive honest, thorough critique on the photos you post. I learned a ton there. They don't try to make you feel good about crappy photos, they are kind and nice about it, but the point out the weak areas of the photo and many times will give you advice on how to fix it. Also... another awesome place to learn is Helping Hands if you are ready to learn those are great places to start!

10. I know that you would not change your Amazing life for nothing. But if you got the chance to keep everything you have now but change one moment, what moment would it be and why?

This is hard to choose. You See... I am one of those people that really believes that every single thing we experience shapes us. Our bad decisions teach us, as do our good ones. I do wish that as a whole I would have been more kind. I struggle with the fact that I attended school my entire life, then in my senior year I asked to be taken out, and got my GED. While it was a terrible time in my life, and home seemed like a good option, I still fight the feelings of "failure" for not graduating with my class. I hate that I let, what I find so stupid these days, get in the way of my life.

11. Who are your very best friends?

I'm lucky enough to be married to my best friend... but in my life there are a handful of awesome people I consider to be my best friends...

My Mom... she is always there, supporting me, being honest with me and keeping me grounded.

My Mother in Law... who prays with me and also encourages me.

My Brother and Sister are my best friends... although we are all at different places we are so close in spirit and we have a special bond.

My Cousin Amber, for a million reasons.

Jessica... she just gets is :)

12. Do you love where you grew up & how you where raised?

Essentially I grew up where my children are now growing up. The same county at least. I was blessed enough to grow up in the country. As a child I had tons of yard to play in and I spent lots of time bottle-feeding baby cows, milking Bubba, watching baby chicks pop out of eggs and running cornfields all hours of the day. It was a pretty surreal and special place to grow.

I also was blessed with parents who loved and love each other very much and a sense of security all my life. I had very different but equally special relationships with my grandmas and a mom who was always there, teaching me and playing with me. My mom also was able to stay home which fostered a lot of security as well. And I lived a wonderful perfect life. Any hardship I faced was my own doing, that's for sure.

13. Whats the best thing about your small town?

That it is, in fact, small. It's small enough to walk everywhere, small enough to know who and how people are. It's safe and laid back. Crime isn't a big issue and we are all on about the same financial plane. My husband runs for the fire department and we know several of the police officers. It's just nice knowing that there are people around who care. ALSO... I am only 15 minutes from my Mommy and 5 from my Mother in Law... that's a huge blessing.

12. Your processing is always, and I mean always, so perfect. Is it just that you have a brilliant eye (probably this)?

I'll be honest... I don't at all know what I am doing. I just know what I like. I also go through phases of liking things that other's really don't. I think my editing has tamed down a lot. I struggle with finding the balance between too much and not enough. But thank you, all the same... and I mentioned in question 4 some of the processing stuff I use, but I will also throw a shout out for Rita's Actions and Tutorials since they have gone a long way in helping me!!

13. How long have you been photographing your world in this way? Your style seems very 'visual diary' and I love that?

I find I thrive when I am moving and seeing and enjoying. Not trying to recreate something or put pressure on a shoot. I love photography and I take somewhere around 100 shots a day! It's rare that I don't take at least 20! I see things all day long that I want to capture. I love the world I live in and I want others to see the beauty I see.

I would say I was always turned this way but only for a year have I been embracing it. I thought that I had to do very structured things, I really wasn't thriving... and when I said "Whatever, I am going to enjoy this!" I started to see improvement overall. Now when I set goals I set goals that push me but never limit me!

14. When can I come visit you!!!???

Is this Jenny Elliot ... if so, I wish you would come visit me soon! I would love to meet up!! xo

Thanks Again for this, it was a lot of fun!!!

the release

2010-05-25T19:54:00.000-07:00

So, we said bye to Tortuga today. Around noon we headed over to Mamaw and Papaw's (John's Parents) House.

What a horrendous morning Tortuga endured. First thing Rooster tossed him, then Lydia wouldn't stop trying to put clothes on him. I felt awful for him. And made him stay in a little red bucket near me, till I was ready to go.

We let him run around the yard at Mamaw and Papaw's and he immediately tried to escape, looking over his shoulder to see if the "enemy" -- aka my children, were watching... he made it all the way to the fence and Lydia spotted him, ran over and carried him back. It was funny but sad. Then, after we spent some time playing, we went to find him and he was gone!! I feared the worst since they live beside a train track. I decided to go check the tracks, and there, headed right for them, was Tortuga. This little dude must have a death wish... Needless to say I took matters into my own hands and brought him to a little wooded area in the bottom of the yard away from the kids, the train and the other immediate dangers. I patted him, and said goodbye.

And hopefully he makes it... he stands a better chance without us, I'm sure ;)

thank you, again

2010-05-24T18:06:00.000-07:00

Thank You

for your prayers

your well wishes

your virtual hugs and

all your kindness...

today was better and things are looking up

what would i do without you

tortuga

2010-05-24T16:17:00.000-07:00

Meet Tortuga, he's our house guest for the evening...

I don't know if you have this problem where you live, but these little box turtles are all over our roads this time of year... many of them die...

Tortuga is probably about 5 years old. He was on the road on John's way home from work...

John brought him home to show the kiddos... he gets to visit, and we played outside with him, and tomorrow we will release him into the wild

Last year we did the same thing with another box turtle, Turquoise.

I love these little visits. The kids get to see nature up close and personal, and we get to feel like we're doing a little something to heal our planet.

What's that story about the man and the starfish, him walking along the beach, throwing the live starfish back in... and the other man says "Why are you doing that, you can't save them all, you'll never make a difference"

And as he tosses another in, he responds saying "Well, I made a difference to that one"

Good Luck Tortuga...xo

The Unavoidable

2010-05-23T18:43:00.000-07:00

the unavoidable... the heaviness... the moment when i break

I would love to be some kind of amazing. The person who never has these days. But today... is the unavoidable day. The day when it's heavier than my shoulders can carry, a bigger burden then my heart can take... and although my faith and spirit do not waiver, my body does.

It's hard.

To say the least. To remain strong and confident. To stay the course and fight for what is important to you. We go into battle, we're strong, rested, motivated... and as we trudge along we become beaten, bruised, and can find ourselves lost and alone amidst the chaos.

Of course I know I am not alone. I have God... I have my family. But, at times, it's hard to see them through the distractions. Sometimes, it's too hard see anything but the pain. It's not just a struggle with sadness, it's a struggle with fear. The fear of the unknown... the fear of the known. The fear that you will not win this battle and that you will loose everything trying to grasp the unattainable.

I go on, cleaning, talking, playing, moving... getting from morning to nightfall... and while outside I seem poised and focused on my duties I am breaking inside. Silently screaming... silently calling out for help.

And all that answers back... is the deafening silence of having to wait. All things in their own time... all things will come to pass.

The journey is the most important thing... it's where you learn...

I catch a glimpse or 2 of myself throughout the day... "pull yourself together"... "where is the strength you had yesterday"... "stop it, can't you see there is no reason to be scared... no reason to be sad"

But I just can't, or maybe I am too tired to try. At any rate, I didn't pull myself back to the plateau all day.

But sometimes, I think, it takes a down day... a day to break... to release all the pent up emotion... to be able to regain the strength and the will power for the remainder of our journey.

Maybe these unavoidable days are the "reboot" our bodies and emotions need...

Maybe I shouldn't feel so guilty, maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself.

...especially since I know

tomorrow will be better,

I will stand and regain my footing.

I will smile and know that I

am almost there.

Realities and Blessings : Week Ten

2010-05-22T19:18:00.000-07:00

Realities and Blessings

Week Ten

So... I wanted to share something with you, in honor of my tenth week of realities and blessings...

The reality is, the photo above is my home...
Yes, I have two garden gnomes standing guard in the front, I have at least one stroller on the porch at all times and a castle in the front patch. This is our front yard, a little plot of grass... not that much room, nothing like I grew up on. The siding is old and needs washed. The shutters need painted and the door needs replaced... it's completely the wrong size.
The back yard is in full sun at almost all times of day. It's too sunny in the summertime to keep the kids out very long, and the shed in the back is rotting away.
Inside, holes need patched, drywall needs replaced, rooms need painting and flooring needs redone.

The Blessing... I am raising all three of my babies here, this is our home and I love it. In the front yard is a perfect place to use our sidewalk chalk and have picnics. We have a church right next door and a library around the corner.I have tall windows that let in loads of light, and 10 foot ceilings. I have an upstairs and bedrooms for all three of my children. I have an office of my own, and my family is no more than 15 minutes away... some closer. The school is a skip up the road, that I can walk to, and I feel safe. I have always felt home here... always... and though she needs much work there is a lot of history here, and I love that we are adding to that. I enjoy the journey to fixing things up. Getting enough money together for a gallon of paint and staying up late with the hubs to change the way the whole room looks. I love the barn that sets across the alley, that I use as a backdrop for a ton of shoots of the kids. I love that I can walk around town with three kids and it's no big deal...

I am home and I love my home.

Have a Great Week

"I Will Not!" :: rising above our struggle

2010-05-19T16:25:00.000-07:00

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

I don't have to ask to know that so many of you are facing hardships right now. From finances, sickness, struggles within your marriages, or perhaps trials with your children. It's crippling, and devastating... at times beyond anything we can process... sometimes, we don't even know where to begin.

Right now, I feel the onslaught of things beyond my control. I am fighting the urge to melt into a puddle and wallow in all the reasons we cannot get ahead. I want to close my eyes to the way things are and scream... I want it to go away... I don't want it to even be an issue... I don't want to be dealing with this, or feeling this.

But... I will not succumb to the crippling fear

I will not submit to the bleak mindset

I refuse to believe that we are anything but blessed and

I will not let this fleeting time rob me of the beautiful life I have.

Tomorrow will come, whether it comes with rain or warm sunshine

The end of this dark tunnel is just beyond that curve ahead - and

I DO accept this hardship as the pathway to peace.

My faith and hope are not so paper thin that I cannot rise above this struggle...

This will not break me.

I am not superwoman, I am not the vision of positive thinking... I am one, emotional, deep-feeling, desperate woman...

But I cannot give in. And I will have your silent prayers in my heart... and I will believe that all of us will come to the other side... all of us, beaming with hope.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3 : 5-6

Go Ahead ... ask me anything...

2010-05-18T20:04:00.000-07:00

So the word on the street is that there is some thing floating around the net called "Form Spring" ... where people ask you anonymous questions and you then respond

Since I don't want to wrap my head around all that, but I would love to tackle the idea... I thought I would just try it here...

If you have a question... post it here... anything at all... I can totally take it. And post anonymous if ya like :)

I'll post a reply blog next week...

Bring it On...

my kind of people

2010-05-18T19:41:00.000-07:00

So, I don't talk much about John being a Freemason. Maybe that's because of the apprehension I felt about the organization before I was witness to it. I guess, I know what happens when people hear the words "Free Mason". Some smile but many cringe. They think, secret society... cult... satanism... a whole bevey of not-so's. But there was a time when that person was me, so I do understand.

When John told me he wanted to join, I was nervous. But we met with them, and that was that... I soon found out I had nothing to worry about.

These men, they're really good, intellegent, kind men, with good wives and good Christian values. All of them speak of their love of the Lord and of family, and loving their wives and putting God first. They support eachother through sickness and financial struggles and are ever so patient with anything you may have going on personally.

They are far from menacing... in fact, they are truly, my kind of people.

Tonight we celebrated a birthday ... we have these monthly dinners for family. It's nice, the coming together. I like the sense of community and the different backgrounds represented. All social classes and age groups represented. All of these men, striving to be better people.

Today, I'm proud of the commitment John made to masonry... and all my fears have diminished. I consider them friends. And while I don't think I will ever trust people blindly... I see that these men, these families, are worth the trusting. I never thought I would be this woman, but I am, and if you are one of those "cringe-rs" ... I urge you to listen when I say, they're just regular men... with strong faith.

Daisy Dreams

2010-05-16T16:35:00.000-07:00

We drove by this field today and stopped, the man who owns it drove up, I apologized but he just smiled and said, No, it's all right.

Sweet, Huh.

The River and the Stone :: a love story

2010-05-16T16:33:00.000-07:00

John and I are as different as the winding river and the steady stone skipping across her ripples. We are as odd as any couple could be. My heart thrives in nature, and in poetry and folk music, in photography and art museums. His is much more social than mine, He loves loud music and movies, he loves math and logic. He is at his best in the spotlight, and I am my best in the shadows. I do not shine, not the way he does.

I seldom share in any written way, about my marriage. I never want to sound as if we live an untouchable existance and I never want anyone to think that our love is anything less than deep. I find it hard to be honest about it. The commitment I made to my husband is special to me, and still complicated.

Loving your husband, well, it isn't like loving your children. It doesn't just happen and stay strong without effort, it has to be tended and cared for. It has to be worked at. I always thought that the vows I said, before God and my family and John would come naturally, that our love would be bigger than any trial we faced.

John and I fight. Sometimes it's just a silly disagreement that we settle before the days end, and sometimes it's some deep seeded hurt that lingers on for weeks. As you grow together you gain baggage. You uproot differences and have to face that you are headed in separate directions. Sometimes we reach common ground, sometimes we don't.

We've been tested by many things. But more than anything the whirlwind of job loss and a growing family.

John and I never had time as just us. We dated for a year before we married and we had Lydia 7 months later. He worked odd shifts and we struggled to have the energy to devote to eachother, then we moved, had Rooster, moved again, had Layla, John lost his job of 10 years, Layla got sick then he lost his job again, and we spent 8 long months on unemployement. It was a struggle to breathe, pay the bills, and just be. It was hard on us as a couple as well as the family, but within the chaos we always found a spot to come together and comfort eachother. Now, John has a job again... one that seems secure... the only trouble is that it's third shift and 6 days a week... and we really never see eachother. We don't get to do all the little things we took advantage of before. It's hard. I miss him and he misses me.

And yet, out of all that, here we are... together. I have prayed since the beginning, "Lord, put a hedge around our family, so that nothing would touch us. Keep us together, keep us moving together and loving each other. Help us find our way back to your path and to this life." I still pray that every night. No matter how hard we fight or how big we disagree. No matter how much either of us hurt we do belong together...and no matter how bad things seem, MY life is better for having him in it.

I said to him, not long ago, I know how lonely you are, because I am right here, feeling everything you are.

I have been mad and said things I shouldn't have... so has he... I have made promises I couldn't keep... so has he. I have gotten my feelings hurt unfounded, and so has he. But at the end of the day, when I think of him or look across the room at him I know that he gets me. That he wants me and that he really does love me.

John doesn't want me to be perfect. John doesn't want me to be some other-wordly combination of other women. He doesn't want me to be just like him. He just wants me to be his. And to love him, and no one else. To want him and to make the effort to see what he feels without having to say it.

And that's all I want...

I am the winding river... deep and easily broken at the surface, I go with the flow of life and carry with me all that touches me.
He is the stone, steadily skipping against the current. Strong and standing out.

And we are, in our moments of such great distinction, so perfectly fitted into the other. Coming together as we should, as we were designed.

We are ordained by something bigger than either of us and held together by time, love and prayer.

This man I married, works hard, everyday, to provide a life of our own, one that he is proud of and I am proud of. He happily gifts me film that I may ruin, to see the smile on my face when I open it. He sings "The Luckiest" into my ear as we dance in the hallway, him covered in dirty work lothes, and me, still in my pjs. He brings me roses for mother's day and saves the last diet dr pepper for me. He's the man that tried to struggle down raw meatloaf as I stood in our kitchen crying, and hugging me afterward. He is the man who lets me choose the music in the car and orders for me on dates. He is the one who pretends he's asleep till I threaten to tickle him. He is the one that understands my grief when we drive by that cemetery, and reminds me it's okay to feel. He is the man that gave me 3 children, 3 perfect children. He is so much more than his faults and so much more than than any difference in opinion we have, and I love him with all my heart. Forever.

I love you John

Today, Tomorrow and Always

and I am truly the most blessed

Realities and Blessings : Week Nine

2010-05-15T09:38:00.000-07:00

Realities and Blessings : Week Nine

another day late edition

Hello Again ... Welcome Back... or just Welcome ( for those of you visiting for the first time) -- this is another week of Realities and Blessings...

Thanks to the Amazing Maegan of A Life Set to Words , who shared this inspiring idea and encouraged us to play along ... I am one of many women finding more blessings and more hope each day... thank you Maegan. xo

Reality ::
Camden Ohio, Population 2,182 ... which means everyone knows everyone's business, or what they "think" you're doing... People gossip like crazy and form cliques like it's high school.

Blessing ::
Camden Ohio, Population 2,182 ... which means I know the people in my town, who to steer clear of, who to trust and I can walk around town feeling generally safe. I know that because we all know eachother, we kind of leave eachother alone, they might talk behind my back and make up stories, but no one is going to sneak up and mug me either. I know the people on the sexual predator list and it's an incredibly small list, I basically get along with everyone and go about my business. It's not always ideal but if I am going to live in town, I am glad it's this one.

PS -- all these photos were taken in our little town today... we have some great old buildings and doorways :)

Reality ::

Our sleeping arrangements are ever changing and turned upside down, nothing like I wanted...

Blessing ::

Letting go of my ideas about parenting, namely sleeping arrangements, led for a smoother routine. The kids are getting more rest, so am I and all it took was letting them choose which bed they slept in. Rooster and Lydia switch off from the downstairs bed to the upstairs, taking turns, and Layla gets her bed. Someday we may all be in our own rooms, but till then, the main thing is that we are all getting the sleep we need, happier during the day and more eager to rest at bedtime. Parenting has so little to do with plans, and so much to do with adaptation and an ability to try.

Reality ::

I am WORN OUT... for a whole week I have sorted things that haven't been sorted for years, thrown away piles of junk and scrubbed scrubbed scrubbed this house down. And all because of some unfounded fear that someone was going to take my babies away.

Blessing ::

My house is clean, despite the everyday messes that pop up and I actually have my own space now. All the sorting made room for my desk, my shelf of vintage books and camera's, and other things I love to have a home. I can open my little window and let in the breeze and watch the kids from across the gate. The rooms are rearranged to accommodate easier maintaining and more open space for the kids to play, and I know where almost everything is, perfect, since Lydia starts school this fall :) I wish I hadn't tweaked out so bad, but at the same time, it forced me to tackle the things I have been shuffling instead of sorting, and it feels good!

Life is Good, and I hope that goes for you too!

The Whole Story

2010-05-13T17:19:00.000-07:00

So ... you know that update I wrote, well, I got the whole story ... the real story ... and I'm not sure how I feel... basically, it was nothing like what I was told, so I got the peace I asked God for... but... now I am just so sad for the 2 babies involved. ((click "story" up there to watch the local news video if you're interested ))

Please, say a little prayer for them... I know they're safer, but they must be so scared. And thank you all for your prayers for us as well. xo

A Touch of Grace

2010-05-13T09:20:00.000-07:00

A Touch of Grace

... and a little sass too

Layla Grace... on any given day you'll hear her referred to as any of the following... Gracie, Lay-Ler, Grossy Grace, Layla Gross, Thunder Butt, Turd, Angel Baby, BeeBee Grace, and sometimes Lydia even calls her "Gum Drop Button".

Truthfully Layla Grace was the only name she ever had, John knew he wanted a Layla, I tagged on the Grace and she was Layla Grace from the beginning.

Layla is my last baby. I say last, since we have taken steps to be sure, as well as, that after much prayer and discerning, I knew my world was whole, that all our children were hear and that 3 was our perfect number... obviously, if God saw fit to toss aside our plans, and give us another, I would embrace and cherish it.... but I can feel the bittersweet end of an era upon me.

And as she grows more independent by the day, approaches her 2nd birthday, and comes into the "she" she will be... I am reminded that we live a blessed life.

Layla is joy...

She is the most happy, bright, smiling child. Every bit the girl her sister is, and every bit the daredevil her brother is. A handful and a heartful. She talks in a series of grunts, bellows and very expressive words. She jumps so good and loves to impress people. Lately she has decided she needs to be a baby again, bringing her cup and blanket to you, saying "BeeBee" and reaching for you to hold her. Of course, we all do, and she eats it up. She loves her family and loves exploring. She faces everything with excitement and enthusiasm. She loves food and fingerpaints, bubbles and blocks... easy to please, and still, somehow, demanding to boot.

I love it when she wakes, later than the rest, comes to her gate and calls out "mama, mama" gentle and sleepy... and greets me with a smile and outstretched arms.

I love it when she does something she knows is wrong and looks back to make sure I saw her, smiling and beaming with rotten-ness.

I love that one of her first words was "pitcher"...

I love that she reminds me of Cindy Loo Who from my alltime favorite "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" -- the original... ;)

I love that she looks up to her big sister and wants to be just like her big brother

And I love that she puts that sweet little nose to the paper, crayon clutched in her tiny, chubby hand, scribbling her heart out, and so proud to share he masterpiece.

I couldn't love her more...

While she cannot speak in full sentences... I will say... it speaks above words when she runs across the yard, arms open wide, bright, open mouth smile on her face, happy to see me... and reminding me of miracles.

Apologies, Thank You's and an Teeny Tiny Update

2010-05-12T19:40:00.000-07:00

The Apology
I am so sorry, really truly regretful about the time that I haven't been spending on flickr photostreams, facebook pages and beautiful blogs. The fact is that I do want to be visiting, and I am trying to fit it in, but it hasn't been coming together for me. I feel like I'm being an awful friend and neglectful of my relationships. Just know I am really not trying to be a total snoot... I miss you and your lovlies and having the time to devote to sincerely enjoying it all. I am so so so so sorry. I hope you understand.

Many Thanks
I have felt the most generous outpouring of love and encouragement and prayer partnering and the biggest sense of "community" from all of you lately. My blog has exploded, my flickr stream has been flooded and my facebook is beaming with sweetness. Things have been hectic and draining and you all have brought me to a humble, simple, loving place. And it's so greatly appreciated. I feel so undeserving and this connection has inspired and blessed me so. Thank You, so very much. xo

... and the update ...
okay... I am currently in a state of panic.
not the normal kind either. A family down the road from us, literally, just a few houses, in a nice part of our small town mind you, just had their children taken away. Like us, they were living on a smaller income than most around here and with more than one child at home, making messes they were singled out, I think, maybe I'm wrong, but it hit a little too close to home. Apparently, someone smelled something, the police entered the home on the informants suspicions and the house was too dirty tobe lived in, noting dirty dishes as one of a few reasons... not roaches, not drugs, not too many animals or weapons in reach... dirty dishes.
I realize, I don't know the whole story, but, I'm terrified, I have been bleaching everything, scrubbing, laundering, straightening and sorting. The house looks great, but I'm still afraid. There are days when, durring this awful potty training, there may be a smell or too that is not so nice, sometimes I don't get all the dishes done since the kids need me, Sometimes junk gets shuffled to another room rather than sorted.
I just can't bare it. I am praying for peace, and doing what I can, but I am preoccupied with fear.

Also... they found the second meth-lab as well... Lord Help us... and we absolutely cannot move...

I wish, with all my heart, that we could run away... I long for simplicity, and afternoons of leisure and saftey. I feel so threatened... my heart is breaking...

The Beautiful, Bold, Bossy Big Sister

2010-05-12T07:20:00.000-07:00

The Beautiful, Bold, Bossy, Big Sister

...my ambitious, excitable, social-butterfly, first born...

They always say, you learn on your first... and boy did I have a lot to learn...

I was a shy child, insecure and quiet... not my Lydia. No. The picture for her life was laid before us before she had even had her first bath after being born...

In her Daddy's arms, not an hour old, in a room full of my parents and John's, she smiled this enormous, happy, wild-child smile. We all laughed. Big eyes and wide open mouth, ready for the world, and to be in it's spotlight.

And she still maintains that sparkle. She is ever-posing, singing, dancing and hosting parties for her dollies and teddies.

Lydia is so special, she's smart and sweet, she's brave and thoughtful. I find it amazing, all that she is. She loves to wear dresses and skirts everywhere she goes, she likes her lips coated in gloss and sparkly flip flops or pink rain-boots on her feet ... all this while hunting frogs, toads, worms, butterflies, snakes and any other type of "creepy crawly" she can get her chubby fingers on. She is the most perfect combination of tom-boy and girlie girl. And she is so unafraid of animals. I love that.

She is so sensitive. Some of the things that stick out in my mind...

While driving to the park, past an old cemetary, she began to sob, so much so, I pulled over. I asked her what was wrong. She said "I know that they are in heaven, but all those people have family that misses them so much... isn't that sad, Momma" and we both cried.

When applying for kindergarten last year, she was registered and given a class. We were all so excited.We headed out straight away to buy new school clothes and supplies. Midway through the trip I get a phone call... "We're sorry, Lydia can't attend. We only just now checked her birthday and she didn't make the cut off." I was furious and heartbroken that I had to tell my skipping little girl she couldn't go. And when I did... she looked at me, eyes full of tears, "But Momma, I did practice" and in the middle of Kmart we both sobbed.

And another time, after we had moved to the home we live in now, after Rooster had been born, she decided to run away. Explaining, with most sincere tears, that she just wanted to go back to our old house, before we had Rooster and we only loved her.

... But don't let her fool ya ...

She's got her own list of not so nice qualities. ;) She is so sneaky, on more than one occassion I have caught her setting both Rooster and Layla up to get in trouble. She fibs like no other... scratch that, she bold-face lies like no other. That's always been her biggest issue. And she has absolutely no knowledge of an inside-voice or whisper. If a volume dial goes from one to ten she is on about 7 - 10 all the time ;) She practices for her dream job of "opera singer" at Layla's nap-time and she whines like a pro... but every diva has extremes to her personality so I guess it's pretty fitting :)

She is such a delight to my life and when I think I can't handle the day, she seems to know... she always runs up with a hug and some sweet words or a homemade card to share. She's tender at her core and loves deeply. I love that she loves people so much, that she gives everyone a chance...

I couldn't have asked for a better way to start motherhood... she is such a precious gift

And I will end this with one of those sentiments...
"Momma," she said, looking right into my eyes,"your my best friend, and I don't need to ever get married, I can stay here and be your baby girl, forever."

The Trouble with Boys...

2010-05-11T09:31:00.000-07:00

The Trouble with Boys

... is that they are a momma's weakness ...

first of all, I DO NOT have favorites, I love all my babies the same and adore all their unique qualities... I intend on writing about all 3 my babies, since Mother's Day Month is here, it's a great time to share with you all the specific reasons I love it so much...

The trouble with boys, is that they are so darn cute. I always say that Rooster (who's real name is John III) is JUST like his Dad. And if you knew John, you'd know it was true.

Rooster has this look and I call it "the charm" ... most mommies with boys know the look I'm talking about. I say it's the same look his Daddy used to make me fall in love... and it's true.

Sweet, right, well, it is and it's also horribly sinister. -wink-

"The Charm" is to be used when Momma says "no" but when he wants her to say "sure honey". The charm is only about 10% sincere, and 90% manipulation.

It's a tool, he pulls out, to get his way and to avoid a dreaded time out. And what's worse, is knowing this, sometimes it still works. It's one of my favorite things about him. But, he's 3 and it's cute... I hope he grows out of it, or a string of girls with broken hearts will be calling our house all hours of the night when he hits middle school.

Rooster is the most incredible kind of honest. He just doesn't lie. He looks right at me, amidst some awful tornado of a mess and smiles saying "Yes, I did it" knowing that the truth will set him free. He is struggling with potty-training still and will tell you "I like my diaper friend and my powder" He'll pee like a little puppy on the carpet then come grab my hand and take me the spot. He hits his baby sister and then stands in front of me, with those big sad eyes "I hit her, I was mean"...

There is nothing harder than punishing a child who tells you the truth.

Rooster is brave. A trait that will serve him well in life but has only by a miracle left him with no stitches or broken bones. He climbs anything he can get a toe-hold on. Literally. The entertainment center, the shelves, the gates and doors, the porch the dog kennel the swing set and slide. It's frustrating, emptying your child's room, then the hallways, then the living rooms... all in hopes that he won't scale the wall and hurt himself, only to find out he still will... we have no cushions on our couches, we have nothing on our walls... and it's still not enough deterrent... but... that's life...

and my life is fuller and more interesting for him. He has taught me a lot about my husband, and reminding me that we all start out carefree... and brave. He tests me, he fights me, and he gives me a run for my money...

But...

He also loves me, so much so... that even in all this struggle I feel it's warmth all around me.

I'll leave you with something he said to me last February ::

"You're my best friend Mommy, and I am your valentine, every time!"

The trouble with boys ... is that they are all the trouble you think you can take... and all the joy your heart will hold.

Realities and Blessings : Week Eight

2010-05-08T15:15:00.000-07:00

Hello Again ... Welcome Back... or just Welcome ( for those of you visiting for the first time) -- this is another week of Realities and Blessings...

Thanks to the Amazing Maegan of A Life Set to Words , who shared this inspiring idea and encouraged us to play along ... I am one of many women finding more blessings and more hope each day... thank you Maegan. xo

I know this is a day late... but... it's been crazy around here... Infact, I've tried to write this post about 4 times today.

:: Reality ::

The entire time I wanted to make a little pocket money doing photography, NO one wanted me to... No one asked, no one seemed interested. When I said I would do it for free or no more than 5.00 a session with as many kids as they wanted to bring, on their terms, no one wanted to take the offer. And now... now that I am realizing I DON'T want a career in this, but rather this to be a passionate, selfish, indulgence for ME... I am fielding off people left and right. It's not that I'm not flattered, but... I feel so protective over it. Like my Layla Grace, hugging her toys screaming "MINE!"

:: Blessing ::

Well... What a blessing that a craft I am pursueing so dilligantly is showing the improvements. What a blessing that it's a "desired" look... What about that I don't have to advertise, that people are asking me...

Of course, I see the flaws in my work, I see where I need to improve, but the gap between where I started and where I want to be does have the start of a bridge.

Also... I find it a huge blessing that going through this has made me realize that it should be for me... feeding your creative spirit SHOULD be about getting a message across, YOUR message, not retelling someone elses story. Photography brings me joy, and socializing and trying to please masses don't go hand in hand with that, for me.

I admire ANYONE who can find the balance... but at least I KNOW I'm not that person... at least I know my own limits.

That being said, I do so love photographing my family and close friends and their children... but that is an extension... not a flying leap ;)

:: Reality ::
I am tired...

:: Blessing ::
We've had a whole week full of good news and family visits... what better reason could there be to be tired.

:: Reality ::
The Kodak Point and Shoot I was going to give to Lydia is completely broken. It's circuit boards are fried and there is no fixing it. I am so aggravated, it seems like such a waste.

:: Blessing ::
She really isn't ready yet. I got my Fuji out tonight to let her try and she was swinging it wildly, not trying to compose or think about what she was doing. But. She is my free spirit. Rooster, on the other hand, takes his time and does a GREAT job. It's wonderful to see him. Tomorrow we have a cook out and I am bringing the Fuji for both of them to take pictures of their family. I'm excited, and so are they... and maybe someday Lydia will be ready for her own camera... we could use the time till then to practice. ;)

:: Reality ::
I feel a shift of focus in my photography right now, it's strange and very off to me. What and How I want to photograph things other than people is so different... like all the shots in this post. I am loving landscapes that are purposely out of focus... a lot... so much I could do it all day.... And shooting through things with natural texture, like dirty windows and things like that... It's very different... and almost like starting over...

:: Blessing ::
There is something wonderful about branching out... going with the flow and experimenting. And not only that but doing it for myself and not caring what ANY one thinks about it. Maybe it's the "calm" I feel in these muddled images. The calm I desperately need.
I am so thankful for photography ...

Spoonful of Sugar Action... fixed

2010-05-06T20:00:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry, first, that I haven't had the chance to respond to all of you...
I'm not sure what happened... I tried to fix it a few times and it's doing some strange things... I really do apologize...

I think it's fixed now... Here It Is

The Way I Wish I Was :: a mother's day confession

2010-05-05T15:54:00.000-07:00

I have been pondering this Mother’s Day Blog-Post for a while…

I’m going to be busy till Monday … so… I am posting early ;)

I could write about my “Mothers” but I already wrote about my my mom and I plan on writing about my mom-in-law on her birthday in July.

I could write about what Motherhood means to me, but I just finished my modern mothering series…

I could write so many things… but I decided I would take a different approach and be really honest about some stuff I am guilty of. The way I wish I was, and the out-of-this-world expectations I try and fail to live up to.

:: Confessions of a Tired Momma ::
I have been guilty of…
Ignoring the fact that my children are writing on the walls with sidewalk chalk just so I don’t have to listen to a 30 minute tantrum
Shaving my legs only below the knee … you know what I’m talking about ;)
Improvising a Bedtime story so that it’s shorter and I can get to bed sooner
Pretending it’s bedtime 30 minutes before it really is
Letting the kids have PB&J and Chips for dinner when I am too tired to cook
And buying them icecream just so they will hug me and tell me how much they love me…

Not my finer moments…

But… I forgive myself for that… and I highly doubt than any of the above listed will scar them for life ;)

:: Un-Fathomable Expectations ::
Do you do this?
In my mind is this woman, the woman I imagine lived when my great-grandparents were raising kids. She canned vegetables, raised a TON of children, she stayed home and worked hard. She didn’t have the internet and online communities to escape to. She took care of her kids, alone and lonely while her husband headed off to fight a world war an ocean away.
She fed her children warm meals at breakfast and dinner that were homemade and never came from a box. And in between some suitable lunch.
Her house was always clean, dusted, swept, smelling fresh, windows open and pie baking in the oven. Linens hand washed and line dried… every day
Her children listened to her and she listened to them.
She didn’t feel overwhelmed. (Not the way I do sometimes)… because life may have been hard, but it was good and she knew that…
She was always thankful, always kind and always working.

Now I know, that this is a super-idealized version of my great grandma. The fact is her children took care of HUGE chores that I couldn’t imagine asking mine to tend to. She did have help… She did get overwhelmed… she was a real person… with real emotions… She was strong and not being all the things up there doesn’t make her less strong… so…
Why do I do it… compare myself to that? I don’t know. But it sure sets me up to fail.

Somewhere between ME and this Untouchable Woman is the place I want to be. And I think that’s attainable. After all, I love my babies like there is nothing else to in all the world to Love… and that’s the beginning of being that woman.

Happy Mother’s Day, to all of you… Stay at Home Moms, Working Moms, Single Moms, Grandma’s, Great Grandmas, Mothers with Babies and Mothers with grown children. Mother’s who have babies in their bellies… Ours is the greatest gift and the greatest responsibility… to raise the future, to teach them to stand and watch them become everything they dream… Take a moment to reflect… and to be thankful and know that even though life is hard … it is good.

And that you are a great Momma.

Folding under the Pressure, an Icecream Afternoon

2010-05-03T11:56:00.000-07:00

I'll admit it

Somedays I am totally hopless.

I chuck my duties for the day, and on only a whim of hope that they'll behave, I load up the kiddos and go off to do what I want to do, rather than what I need to do.

Today, well, was one of those days.

We went to the Dairy Queen today. The first time I had taken any of them and the first time in forever that I had been. It was fun, we shared our treats and the kids laughed the whole time. No one got mad, no one got jealous, no one bossed...

We were like 4 kids, instead of a Mom and her 3 kids.

It felt so good to steal a moment.

The past few weeks have been trying, to put it nicely. It seems we're all being pulled in seperate directions and Rooster is braver and more dare-devilish than ever. We're dealing with some financial sorting and with John horrible work schedule. I have a pile of Laundry, again, that seems to grow no matter how often I do it, and the sink is beckoning me to empty it of those dishes... Lydia needs reaffirmation that even those she's the oldest I still love her just as much, Layla is going through a "baby-me" phase and our sleep arrangements have been completely uprooted. We haven't made bedtime for something like weeks. I'm physically and mentally drained and I know John is too...

But taking the time to say "Whatever, I'm doing what I want" even if it was only for an hour, helped. So, okay, I folded under the pressure... but sometimes, in the words of Kenny Rogers...

''You got to know when to fold 'em'' :)

Have a Great Week!

Trouble With the FREE Elements actions...

2010-05-02T07:33:00.000-07:00

Something went wrong with the Elements actions, but I am fixing them now... So sorry... I'll post the new links here... and then correct the link on the original post.

visions of sugarplums
a blackbird sings
rose-tinted glasses
teddy
spoonful of sugar
message in a bottle

Part Seven : Depression and Working Through It

2010-05-01T16:00:00.000-07:00

Part Seven : Depression and Working Through It

At the beginning of each part in this series you will see this little note. I want to remind you that I am not trying to come from a negative space, or a judgmental - holier than thou - kind of place. I’m coming from the place of a mother who knows she has a lot to learn, that she knows she has a long way to go… and that she loves being a mother. I hope that you don’t take anything I say as anything more than my own experience and a heartfelt message. I pass no judgment, and appreciate all mothers and the styles they embrace. I hope to learn something on this journey and hear your stories as well.

I don’t like the word “depression” that implies that I am not satisfied, or that I am unhappy. The truth is, I have never met a mother who did not struggle with a little “depression” but that would not tell you - and show you - that she loved her kids and that they were the light of her life.

Often, I have written in my journal… “My world is so small and I feel much too deeply”. And maybe that sums up how I always feel. It’s not that I don’t like my world small… or that I want to feel any less deeply. But because things are this way, it’s easy to be heartbroken.

It’s easy to loose yourself. The parts of you, that you used to be. The parts of you that are independent of mothering and being a wife. It’s easy to forget that you are still, you. Single, simple, feeling, you. I struggle to maintain some inkling of that part of me… the part that is “Just Johnna”.

When I met my husband, any other friendships I had went on hold. I think that’s somewhat normal… And then when we found out we were having Lydia, I became enraptured with what that meant. I was young, and got my feelings hurt easily. I was nervous, unsure. Then we had Rooster 2 years later and not even 2 years after that, we had Layla. I think I can count on one hand the times I ventured out to do something that didn’t involve at least one member of my family. They are my security blanket. The world is scary without them there to comfort me.

I’ve never been good at having friends. Not that I don’t love the people in my life, outside of family, that have been there for me. I just don’t know how to balance it. And I struggle with overwhelming guilt when I have a “good time” and my little family isn’t there. Also, I find myself to be a bit of an -- umm -- prude. I guess. I don’t drink and I don’t think drinking or bars or a club scene is “fun”. I don’t like to shop - unless it’s for some cute little vintage jars or a pretty sundress for the girls. I like to spend my “me” time being quiet and I am no longer good at opening up to people. At least not people who are standing in front of me.

Sometimes I feel like, without my family, I would be - literally - nothing. That everything I am is so bound to them, that one day, when they are all in school and John is at work, and I have nothing to do for any of them, I will loose myself even further.

But then, my world is small, and I do feel much too deeply.

In an effort to embrace the part of me that is just me and reclaim some of my oomph, I decided to start writing again. To write poetry and songs that both reflect being a mother, and also focus on the things I love. I decided to embrace my love for photography and expand out -- not just take photos of my babies, but of the beautiful world we live in. I decided that I would let go of not fitting in… and find a place where I did. And I am not ashamed to say that I found that online. I found a whole group of people who are in the same place I am… and that enjoy the same things I do, love their families and still make time to be themselves.

Sometimes, I still get down, I still get heart-broken… but taking the steps to find “Johnna” -- made me realize that I am going to be all right. And that I can always make it through the day.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this, and hear your advice and insight… Us mothers need to come together and embrace our similarities and our differences so that we can be united and more supportive. I’ll encourage you to share here, in the comments or blog about it and share the link. Thanks for taking the time to read. It means so much

Thank you for taking this journey with me, and listening to me ramble on about all this… it felt good, to put it all out there and to have the support of all of you.

Dreaming in Black and White :: Free Black and White Actions

2010-05-01T14:39:00.000-07:00

download the bundle here for CS

if you've got elements... no problem, here they are individually, just for you :)

visions of sugarplums

a blackbird sings

rose-tinted glasses

teddy
spoonful of sugar
message in a bottle

These are meant to work the BEST on already fixed images. Adjust your brightness, contrast, white balance, exposure and sharpness first...

if you're interested here is my "quick fix" it's pretty basic, but it gives your photos a little pop of light and sharpness...

download it here

I hope you can use them, I'd love to see what you do with them, all I ask is that you don't try to sell them, as they are, as your own :)

Enjoy!

Part Six : Making the Hard Decisions, Resting on Faith

2010-05-01T07:08:00.000-07:00

Part Six : Making the Hard Decisions, Resting on Faith

At the beginning of each part in this series you will see this little note. I want to remind you that I am not trying to come from a negative space, or a judgmental - holier than thou - kind of place. I’m coming from the place of a mother who knows she has a lot to learn, that she knows she has a long way to go… and that she loves being a mother. I hope that you don’t take anything I say as anything more than my own experience and a heartfelt message. I pass no judgment, and appreciate all mothers and the styles they embrace. I hope to learn something on this journey and hear your stories as well.

This post is one that is hard for me to write. It’s highly personal and emotional and one that spans a lot of growing up.

Our children have always been healthy. Full of life and completely wild. Little free spirits, that aside from the occasional ear infection or runny nose have been just fine. We never came up against any major illnesses or events that were too much, and we never had to try too hard to believe that our little life wasn’t threatened.

In January of 2009 that changed. My eyes were opened to a whole new world. And a whole new struggle. It was only two weeks but it was two weeks that changed me forever. One that I will never forget and one that I made me grow up in my life and in my faith.

Layla became very ill… most of you know the story but for those of you who do not, it was a horrible time in our life.

It all started simply enough, she was throwing up, it seemed like a virus, maybe the flu, she couldn’t keep her formula down and wasn’t making proper bowel movements. The weather was bad so we visited the local doctor, one that John and I had seen several times and had known since we were young. He put her on an antibiotic and told us to keep an eye on her. The next night, she was fussy and not moving much, still sick. She made a bowel movement and as I went to change her I noticed the sides were red, I opened the diaper to find it full of blood, the most I had ever seen come from a child. I was shaking, I turned to John and said “It’s blood”… we rushed to the hospital.

We sat in the ER, waiting, they thought she seemed dehydrated a little and decided she needed an IV. Twelve times they tried, She screamed and wriggled, she looked at me like “Why Momma, Why are they hurting me…” I don’t think I stopped praying, asking God to shield my worry with strength. Inside I was falling apart. All the IVs either missed or blew out. With each one we all felt the impending truth, we were headed to Children’s.

We headed, in horrible conditions, to Cincinnati, to seek treatment from the Doctors at Children’s. By this time Layla had a fever and was crying and miserable. So were we. We were scared and frustrated. It all seemed to happen very fast from there though. It only took two tries to get her IV in there and they were immediately running tests to find out what was wrong. She fell asleep and I took a breath. I was still praying…

When they told us what was wrong, that her intestines had folded inside themselves and that she couldn’t physically ingest anything it seemed un real, it was hard to process that idea. They showed us in the x-rays and told us that they had a procedure that would blow the intestines back in place, it was the least invasive and usually very effective. We felt good about it and then we took her to have it done. They lay the child down and force air into their rectum. There is nothing to relax them, you have to hold them in place and just let the doctors do their jobs.

Twice we tried. It was horrible. Twice it failed. I was still praying.

They told us then, that surgery was our option. She’d be put to sleep and there would be a machine breathing for her, she had to be on heavy amounts of anesthesia and they would have to remove a large portion of her intestine, and if their was damage there would be even more removed.

She was so tiny, just an eight month old baby. She was so weak and sore and it was so hard seeing her like that. The thought of all of that seemed too much. What if she didn’t wake up… what if it didn’t work… what if it was too late. While she was sleeping, John and I talked. And we both cried like infants. It felt hopeless. The Doctor came in to find out and we said “Okay, when can she go for surgery” He said “She isn’t going to die. This will fix her” I think we both wanted to hug him. He knew we were scared. He knew we needed reassurance.

I remember watching them take her, and we had to stay behind. I cry now, thinking about it… I’m crying now. Watching them take her away and not knowing what would happen while she was away was almost unbearable. I was praying, harder than I ever had.

When she came out of surgery I was so happy to see her. She wasn’t moving but she was on her way to being better. I felt some peace.

That night things got very bad. The morphine started having no effect and she began to scream out in pain. We pleaded with the staff to do something, the nurses all tried, the surgeons and the doctors all tried… but it was hours upon hours before they changed it. She was refusing to breathe it hurt her so bad… I stood at her bedside as she came down from the adult doses of morphine in her tiny, eight month, body… I shook her arm every time she stopped breathing. I was so afraid. I hadn’t slept at all… I remember getting dizzy and hearing things, I ran into the hallway and got a nurse, I said “please don’t leave her, she only breathes if you shake her arm, I can’t stay awake, I need to know you’ll stay.” I collapsed in a chair for a half an hour, maybe 45 minutes. She was doing much better. Still not moving much but she was breathing and sleeping soundly. I said a prayer into her ear… and told her I loved her.

We had to wait a few days before we could leave, but they all reassured us that she would be all right. She had a bottle and the next day she smiled… for the first time in two weeks. We went home and she has been wonderful since.

During that week I felt so much. Hopeless, Hopeful, Afraid, Angry, Hurt, Loved and Full of Faith. If it hadn’t been for prayer I don’t think I would have made it. I don’t think I could have remained calm and gotten through it. I remember saying, “We’re still on our way, we just need to go this way to get there, God is in control.”

I never saw things the same after that… all the things that used to matter seemed trivial and stupid, all the decisions I had struggled with became pointless. What mattered was my children… and that God gave me one more day. Leaving the hospital, seeing all families that had to stay made me realize all our blessings. It made me see what a big God we serve and that he had given me more than I deserved. It made me realize that life is about the little things… everything else was just complication. I felt so thankful, and every time I change her diaper and see that scar I am reminded of our gifts… and of the gift of life.

I see now, that we come to cross roads where we have to make hard decisions, but if we remain in prayer and keep our faith… God WILL show us the way and carry us to the other side, no matter what that means.

Check Back For the Final Part in this Series “Depression and Working Through It”

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this, and hear your advice and insight… Us mothers need to come together and embrace our similarities and our differences so that we can be united and more supportive. I’ll encourage you to share here, in the comments or blog about it and share the link. Thanks for taking the time to read. It means so much

Realities and Blessings : Week Seven

2010-04-30T17:54:00.000-07:00

Realities and Blessings

(are you totally sick of seeing my face)

Hello Again ... Welcome Back... or just Welcome ( for those of you visiting for the first time) -- this is another week of Realities and Blessings...

Thanks to the Amazing Maegan of A Life Set to Words , who shared this inspiring idea and encouraged us to play along ... I am one of many women finding more blessings and more hope each day... thank you Maegan. xo

Reality::

Before posting my blog earlier today about learning to love yourself , I was pretty nervous. To know all the yucky things about yourself is one thing, but to put them out there... written down, well, it's a lot different...

Blessing::

I have such lovely people in my life. The response to it was one of the largest I have ever had, and you all made my fears dissapear. Thank You... you'll never know what a blessing it was...

Reality::

Camden Days is going on in town today, and that means all kinds of yard sales and wonderful vintage finds waiting to be discovered... and for a whole bevey of reasons, I couldn't go. I have to say I was bummed, even feeling sorry for myself.

Blessing::

Instead of wallowing, I took my sis-in-law to work, the decided to take the kiddos for ice cream at the local dairy bar - "The Depot". We even parked and sat outside to enjoy the warm sunshine. It was delightful, and they were so happy! Well worth missing Camden Days -- plus, I didn't add to the ever growing pile of stuff to sort either...

Reality::

Earlier this week, out of the blue, we got the news that John's Dad had had a cat-scan done and there were 2 large masses in his lungs. He has smoked since he was 16 in a very heavy way and on top of that, worked closely with asbestos breathing a lot in... so, you know what we all feared.

Blessing::

After what seemed like forever waiting, and a lot of "I love you's" said, we got the news... NO CANCER! A miracle by any standards. The masses had been bits of corn, aspirated into his lungs. Not only good news, but something to kind of make you smile. You can imagine the jokes, "Dad, you don't need to literally inhale your food" and "Dad, you're CORN-tagious" ... awful, but what a blessing.

another week full of highs and lows, but life is good...

Hope you have a SUPER week!!

Learning to Love Yourself

2010-04-30T10:22:00.000-07:00

I am an ugly person... inside and out...
My hair is straight and has almost no volume, my toes are not cute, I have large hands.
I am not the 120lbs I should be or the 130 I want to be.
I don't have perfectly white teeth and I have a short stubby torso.

I have not liked someone based solely on the fact that they were prettier and thinner than me.
I have wished for someone to fail so that I would look more successful
I have done things out of spite
I have done the wrong thing to impress someone

I am a lovely person... inside and out...
I have dark hair and fair skin
I have full lips and long legs
I have naturally long lashes and normal nose.

I have done good things and not taken the credit
I have given people things when I needed to keep them
I have given second, third and fourth chances
I have been sincere every time I said "I Love You"

I will never be perfect, but I am not supposed to be... what matters is knowing I am worth the effort... and I am worth being loved.

Realities and Blessings : Week Six

2010-04-23T17:19:00.000-07:00

:: Reality ::

It's scheduled to rain for the next 5 days... blah.

:: Blessing ::
That we got to get outside to day, if only for a bit and enjoy the semi-nice weather before it changed. The deer were so friendly, and Layla worked up the courage to get close enough to throw in a leaf for them to eat :)
Besides, the Earth could use a good long drink of water :)

:: Reality ::
I learn in such a strange way... or "grasp" in such a strange way, I guess. I read and try and watch and strive to learn photography... but it takes forever for it to sink in and become clear.

:: Blessing ::
I am having a "clear" week. And having it all come to me at once makes for an exciting time! It's not that I have it all figured but things are making more sense, the settings on my camera making more sense and all that... it's so exciting. I think my photos are getting a lot better SOOC and I am understanding clean edits much better.

:: Reality ::
I am struggling to keep a smile on my face. I'm having to put the effort into enjoying all the parts of my day.

:: Blessing ::
Everyday I wake up saying "God, get me through this... I won't make it without your help." And even though it isn't easy, He is answering my prayers and sending me blessings everyday.

Have a Great Week, FULL of Blessings!

This Earth

2010-04-22T17:42:00.000-07:00

Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it. Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. All things are bound together. All things connect. ~Chief Seattle, 1855

Today, is earth day. Everyday is earth day. And what a brilliant home it is. I think so often about the fact the we are all so connected by the earth itself. That the air I breathe has potentially traveled the world, that the rain on my front steps has fallen in all corners of the earth, it has been reused in a most perfect cycle for centuries, never choosing who should enjoy it over anyone else. That the sky I am looking at is your sky... it's the sky Jesus walked beneath, it's the sky that belongs to all of us. That the trees have lived before me, and they will live on after I am gone, and into forever. It's unbelievable how this Earth works, how generous it is and how much beauty there is to behold.

We spent some time at my Mom's today. in the yard. I admired her many trees and plants, I watched the kids swing and enjoyed the gentle breeze. It was calm. It was perfect. When I think about all the lacking parts of the world. All the filth and sadness in the world, it's scary to know that I am sending my children into it. It's hurtful to think that it's really that bad and there is nothing I can do but love them through it. But when I stop...
Take a moment...
And open my eyes...

I see the world is more full of reasons to smile than to cry, more reasons to rejoice than curse. More love than hate and more hope than I can hold in my arms.

I thank God for this world he created out of nothing. I thank God for dandelions, grass, mockingbirds, bees and even slugs. I thank god for clouds and rain and sunshine. I thank Him for gentle breezes and cool water. I thank him for blessing us all with a world we don't deserve and for reminding me that our "home" our Earth... is perfectly made.

Happy Earth Day

Let me see things forever, as clearly as I see it now

2010-04-21T06:57:00.000-07:00

Taking a moment to stop and watch the chaos around me… all in slow motion, all like a dance, whose steps have not been written. Everything hushes, the air, the room, my thoughts. I smile and catch the glimpse of childhood, and what it means to be free… and I am no longer angry… and I can rejoice in the dance.

Something about Springtime, and that each day, the world is new. That plants grow in a night 1, 2, 3 inches. That colors erupt along the un mowed grass, in violets, blue bells and dandelions. That the world is ready to cushion our bare toes and we tread along her pathways. Yes. Something in Springtime, reminds me, that life is each day and I need not over think it. All I have to do is take what comes, and greet it with eager reassurance… and if we fail, we have tomorrow.

Lord, Please… So humbly I ask you… Let me see things forever, as clearly as I see it now.

...two sides to every story...

2010-04-20T18:21:00.000-07:00

I wonder, so many times, how I can keep these three safe.

And not just safe from the physical dangers there are in this world...

but the emotional ones.

without going into all the messy details, my husbands brother spent the last year and a half going through a divorce and then re-marrying. It was a strange thing to watch. It was a strange thing to talk about. I remember hoping Lydia - who was the only one old enough to notice what was happening - wouldn't ask any questions. I knew my answers were important and HAD to be right. And really, I didn't know what was that "right" thing to say.

But, Like all babies, she did ask

Why didn't they love each other

Could her daddy stop loving me or could I stop loving her daddy

did they love her still

were we still a family

were we still friends

could she love the new people coming in

was she allowed to love everyone

Lydia is fine now, she is happy and I think she has put things in their proper place

But seeing how hard she took this, and how confused she was and how she almost felt lost in how and what she "could" feel... I want to approach everything so much more gently.

How do you do what's right in all cases and avoid hurting people.

Ignoring the past doesn't make it go away, but talking about it too much leaves the wounds open and aggravated.

Finding that Happy medium where we can let people go, we can see them as they really are and love them in the simplest way, leaves us in a much better place.

I told her that talking about her Aunt was fine... she needs to know she can come to me for things she doesn't understand. But I also told her that she couldn't talk to just anyone, since it might hurt their feelings and we don't ever want to hurt anyone's feelings.

She doesn't need to know the messy details. And maybe that's how we should live... putting those "messy details" in their place and moving on. Loving and caring for the people in our lives. Being gentle and staying out of it.

Both have moved on... and They are both happier. Sometimes God has plans for us and we don't see it till we're knee deep in something else entirely. I am so thankful that they have both found partners to go through life with and that they are finding their way. I am glad that Amanda was brought into our lives and that the transition has been peaceful, for at least, my children.

And I am so glad that John and I, for all our tough times, are solid. And that I don't have to worry about Lydia, Rooster and Layla being lost in some separation.